Read the Label...If You're Able

Ronnie Doup, a familiar fixture on the streets of Clayville for the past twenty years, is on a campaign to inform the public. "Read the label," he said. "Some cans got writing. Read the can. Smell my stick."

People tell his mother Minnie Doup that her son is a poster boy. "I don't know what they're talking about, but thanks to Dr. Howard, I know what 'well ventilated' means. My little Ronnie didn't, and now he sucks on sticks. Used to be logs."

Contributions to WHIFF (Whipping Hazardous Inhaled Fumes Fund) may be sent to Dr. Howard. Please make checks payable to WHIFF.

Clayville Comments...

Doup's parents were furniture refinishers and had cans of paint thinner, stripper, varnish, and shellac all over the place. Doup discovered sniffing at a young age. By ten years old, he couldn't match his socks.

People around Clayville said he was the one who broke into my classroom and stole the plastic recorders because they could "suck as well as they blow." That never really made sense until now.

Mrs. Ellerbee
Clayville Grade School Music Teacher

Man or Machine

Clayville resident Becka Flood was recently mistaken for a robot when she interviewed for a position at PopCo, Incorporated. "I do not understand it," she said. "Initially, I thought they were having some fun with me, but they wouldn't let it go. When they saw the strand of aluminum wire I wear around my neck for good luck, well, they thought they had me dead to rights."

"I've got the G-men on the horn three days out of every week," PopCo Public Relations Director David Smalts said. "Confidential stuff, but it's big. It's a whole new ballgame out there, and PopCo is ready for them."

The Clayville bomb squad was called to the scene, and PopCo was evacuated...with the exception of Flood. "Personally, I think the employees wanted an excuse to blow off work. I mean, really, would a robot have corns on her toes?"

"A really good robot would," Smalts said.


Clayville Comments...


This robot disguise is perfect. Who WOULDN'T trust a plump, middle-aged American woman in an old-fashioned dress? Who DOESN'T expect her to get corns from wearing cheap shoes?

I congratulate the robot's appearance designer. However, I would fire the movement software programmer. Either he has never seen a real woman move or he's drinking too much vodka in the laboratory late at night.

D. W. Pokhilko
FBI Administrative Assistant Trainee
Clayville Community College

Freestyling

Freestyle Frisbee athlete Skip Sanders strutted his stuff on Clayville Greens this past weekend. Sanders, a graduate student in the chemistry department at Clayville Community College, has been tossing the disk since he was a teen. Although some have accused him of getting too big for his britches, others say he fills the bill just fine.

Kate McCall, who enjoyed the show with her three daughters pointed out the highlight of Sanders' routine. "Every time he did that leg kick, he had a little friend play peekaboo, and the crowd would roar."

Clayville Comments...

If Skip went up one size in his running shorts, his peekaboo fans wouldn't get so distracted. Then again, I heard that certain Clayville females are having more fun monitoring the "condition of Skip's pants" then they've enjoyed any other sport.

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ACHTUNG!!!

Forged News typesetter, Rose Waddel, has been soaking a vicious hangnail for the past week. Her pus-filled paws have practically mended and more Forged News will be forthcoming.

Danke schön!