Second Harvest

Clayville residents find a late summer bounty at CLR Sewage Treatment Facility.

Polly Biddlecome was next door to ecstatic when her son Dominic discovered a hole in the fencing on the north side of the CLR plant. "He's real good at finding holes. And he's like a water dog around that sludge. Gets in there deep and finds us some pretty good stuff."

When asked what he was doing on the other side of the CLR fence, Clayville resident Booker Clontz waxed nostolgic. "You grow up here, you learn the lullaby, 'And The Seeds Pass Through.'"

And the Seeds Pass Through

From the pumpkin patch, from tomato vines
the seeds pass through, oh the seeds pass through.
You can bite and you can chew
but the seeds pass through, oh the seeds pass through.

Clontz, who has worked as a substitute teacher at Clayville Elementary, explained the curious crop. "The embryo of both the pepper and tomato is covered with endosperm cells and a seed coat called a testa. The human digestive tract can't break down these tough little actors and we end up with second, third, and even fifth harvests. It truly is spectacular to see these plants blossoming into early winter."

CLR public relations manager Gideon Manning expressed concern for the safety of citizens and released his annual statement to the press.

The sludge bed is no place to find food nor folly. If, however, one is dead-set on harvesting crops from the drying and composting beds, please follow these guidelines:

- Stay close to the edge of the sludge bed where the crust is thickest.

- Do not wear snow shoes in an attempt to get farther out. No one can swim while wearing snow shoes.

- The tomato and cucumber vines marked with pink flag-tape are private property.

Manning also reminds citizens that Clayville Fire and Rescue does not perform rescue or resuscitation on crust dippers.


CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

Gross Prophet

Last night I tied a cloth round my nose and put plastik bags over my shoes fore I went. Don't go on a full moon and stay on the edge of the crust or the ghost of sludge will git you. In your next life you'll be a spotted diseesed tomato and poison your momma.

Easha Williams, Fortunes Tole, Palms Red

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Music: Devil in the Details

Mystery illness strikes concertgoers.

"At first I was having a good time," said local fan Jess Philpot. "I just hit my third cup of Bud, but then it was like I was seeing and hearing things through a tunnel. There was that little dude on stage playing a tiny guitar and looking straight at me. Blossom Rock doesn't have a midget in the band. I know that for sure."

Philpot wasn't the only concertgoer to notice a departure from band's normal set. In fact, over twenty people were treated at Clayville Memorial Hospital for symptoms of borderline psychosis.

"One man told me that his fingers were loose and felt like they were going to fall off," said Dr. Benny Bibb. "I put socks over his hands, but just that made matters worse."

After learning the plight of their fans, Blossom Rock offered to play a free concert.

"Nothin' doing," said Jess Philpot.

CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

XYZPDQ

In conjunction with the Consumer Products Safety Commission, the following notice has been issued:

Lead found in the zippers of imported jeans, when exposed to sweat-soaked skin and beer, causes an invisible, odorless, yet hallucinative gas to be emitted. In lab rats, it is known to cause temporary borderline psychosis. If enough people are close together in a crowded area such as a concert arena, and all the above environmental conditions are met, the resulting gases can cause a disturbance. People who don't wear undergarments underneath their jeans increase their risk of gas emission tenfold.

If this occurs, promptly leave the area and breath in fresh, outside air for five minutes. Please do not remove your jeans, particularly if you meet the undergarmentless condition mentioned above. The Clayville Police are under pressure from the Mayor to reduce the number of indecent exposure arrests this year, a statistic which has been climbing steadily.

Clayville Concert & Beer Hall Administration

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Prophetic Prose

It's like our song, "There's A Devil In My Pants" came true in a totally different, weird kinda way.

Blossom Rock

Life: Fond Hearts Forever

Not one to take "no" for an answer, Brian Greasley quit his job at Tube & Lube to "focus" on the woman who has his heart. "Amy didn't like me following her around at first, but I think she's warming up to the idea."

Greasley said he has nearly five hours of footage of Amy S. "I got a lot of shots of her getting in and out of her car. Now she's running around with umbrellas even on sunny days. Funny woman, but I love her."

Greasley, who has no criminal record, could be slapped with a restraining order, but that is unlikely. Police Sergeant Jeffrey Buys confirmed that he has had his eye on Greasley for a while. "Clayville cops have it covered," Buys said.

Post Script: From The Cheese Block




Forged News caught up with Amy S. at The Cheese Block, where she is a part-time employee. Amy didn't have much to say on the matter, but she did want to clear up a few things. "Just for the record, I never did anything more than offer Mr. Greasley a slice of cheese in a plastic cup from our summer sampler pack. Offering samples is standard practice at The Cheese Block. If I knew that chunk of cheddar would have led to this, I most certainly would have taken my break or made a phone call. Thank God we weren't sampling the summer sausage."


CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

A Tangled Web

Brian wears Spiderman underwear. He lives in his Mom's basement. I've been following Brian since high school. I posted over 100 pictures of him on my website, which I'd give you but it's top secret. But that doesn't mean I love him. He doesn't love Amy either. He's just BORED.

Mindi Schlepp
Clayville Bicycle Mechanic
"Rollin' by the rivah makes me shivah" T-Shirt Artist

FAMILY: Small Fries

It wasn't the first time grandmother Mary Cullens took her grandson David to a fast food restaurant to give his parents time to work on a brother or sister for him.

"It's something I've done for all of my children. In the end, I win. I get more grandchildren, although I really try to avoid eye-contact with them when I drop off the children."

To David Cullens, it's still a mystery. "I don't know why I have to eat cheeseburgers so I can have a baby brother. Last month I had pizza with grandma, and that didn't work. This month I'm eating cheeseburgers. Grandma said we got home too early when we ate pizza."

Mary Cullens said she thought the coast was clear. "I saw my daughter-in-law looking out the kitchen window, so I thought it was safe to go in."


CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

Table for Two

The Cullens' kitchen has seen more action than most peoples' bedrooms. I've repaired their wobbly table three times now. Typical eating won't loosen the screws on table legs that fast — only "recreation" does that.

Need Things Fixed?
Call Johnny-on-the-Spot Repairs
"I'm Your Handy Man"
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Open Door Policy

Johnny, you're imagining things. The Cullens are boring. Not me! Stop by, honey. I need my pink door fixed.

Trini's Love Shack
Corner of Rickashue & Apple Avenues
Home of Clayville's Famous WaWa Balls

HEALTH: Painting a Way Out

Elmer Poole puts the finishing touches on his painting at The Do-Over House rehabilitation center.

"I came in here three weeks ago," Poole said. "I haven't thought about taking a drink the whole time. I'm ready to go. Somebody call me a cab."

The Do-Over House therapist Benjamin Feely expressed his elation with Poole's quick turnaround. "It seems to be the way of The Do-Over House. A lot of clients come through those doors, but not many find comfort in our beds," Feely explained.

"Once I got in here we were flipping clients faster than pancakes on a hot griddle. Easy in, fairly easy out. It's better that way, no one has to know."

Feely, who sports a black T-shirt with white lettering that reads OFUGFU (Only F*ck Ups Get F*cked-Up), said he is currently merchandising an entire line of OFUGFU products with artwork created by the residents. "One day OFUGFU will be a household word."


CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

Elmer's nickname used to be "Martini" with his buddies. We'll have to come up with a new one now that he's clean. As Elmer's oldest pal, I'll try to yell "oh, fugfu!" instead of my usual. At first people will think I'm speaking Japanese but fugfu it – who cares?

Butch Dauzat
Gentlemen's Poker Club Manager
(We don't play bingo, girls!)