BUSINESS MATTERS: Christmas in July Swings at Pendulum Investiments

"First thing I heard was glass bottles clanging together," Pendulum Investments employee Kevin Foster said. "Then Al Blander, our senior manager, fiddled with a portable cassette player. Listening to that Chestnuts Roasting song while Blander scratched himself in his Santa suit, well, it wasn't much like Christmas."

Receptionist Ginny Cole expressed concern for some of the younger employees. "I'm older. I know how to handle myself in this type of situation. I wouldn't sit down to tell Santa what I wanted for Christmas, even if he had his hands tied behind his back and a big slab of plywood on his lap. And that's what I told him. Boy did that light [Blander's] fuse. Then he started up with that 'Ho, Ho, Ho. Any Ho will do' routine. Give it a rest already."

For the past six years Blander has filled the holiday weekend position of Santa Claus the Engineer on Santa's Tiny Train in the Greater Clayville Mall. Last year, while testing the locomotive's limits, Blander derailed the the Tiny Train. The engine and two occupied passenger cars rolled off the tracks at turn number three near the candle kiosk. Blander received only a warning from mall security.

Pendulum Investments employee Kevin Foster went on to say that the gift exchange was a success...for a while. "I got this excellent single serving coffee maker with a bean grinder in the exchange, but Blander kept trying to make the Irish Coffees faster and faster. I told him it wasn't made to do that. You can't pour whiskey in the water reservoir. He told me to shut up and then he threw the bean grinder at the microwave oven and stormed out of the break room."

Employees had hidden Blander's car keys, forcing him to hitchhike for an impromptu visit to Childrens' Hospital. Bill McKinney brought a stool to the curb for Blander, who experienced difficulty getting a ride.

"I guess his heart was in the right place, but he really did smell like an old boot," McKinney said. "It didn't help that he was yelling at the passing cars."

CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

Jingle All the Way

I saw "Santa" sitting on the side of the road with a sign that said NEED RIDE TO CHILDRENS HOSPITAL so I told him to get in my truck. After three blocks, I made him sit in back because I couldn't breathe with the stink coming off him. After I rounded a corner too fast, he pounded on the rearview window to show me his bare head. I guess the wind blew his hat and wig off but we found them on Pea Street. Then I took him home because he was in no shape to see kids and needed a bath and some Irish coffee. I'd leave my name but not being nice to "Santa" might make kids hate me. I really am sorry about the whole thing.