Education: Finding a Common Denominator

This fall Clayville Central welcomes back its very own Mike Edgars. Superintendent Bob Speed believes this will be a banner year for Clayville academics. "Edgars has an advanced college degree. Heck, for a few years there we were thinking about going the way of the Catholic schools and letting anybody teach."

Edgars apparently made his decision to return to Clayville after visiting his mother, who was briefly hospitalized after kicking a couch. Who else should happen to be in that hospital but Bob Speed. "I locked eyes with Mike and he wouldn't look away. Finally I said, 'I know you.' Then he said, 'No you don't.' We got it all ironed out though."

Baseball coach Drew Corns was less enthusiastic about Speed's decision to hire Edgars. "Teaching? I don't see it. The whole family has anger management problems--used to throw peanuts at my ballplayers."

Edgars will be teaching Intro to Math and Advance Mathematics. He declined our request for an interview.

CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

The Eyes Have It

Edgars wants his students to think he's mean like his Dad was so they'll listen. But back in college I saved Mike from hiself. He was too smart to be cool. He scared me with all those baby animal posters he put up. So I had to stop that mess an teach him the "evil stare" you see in the photo. But God, please don't make brotha laugh. He giggles like a beach.

Geetar Jones, Teacher
Clayville Dance Studio

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A Good Offense

I take personal offence at what Bob Speed said about the Catholic Schools. I had good Teachers that did alot for us. I wood like to see Mister Speed learn some manners. I geuss they do not teach that in Pubic Schools.

Robbin Dander


CLASSIFIED CLAYVILLE

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BUSINESS MATTERS: Christmas in July Swings at Pendulum Investiments

"First thing I heard was glass bottles clanging together," Pendulum Investments employee Kevin Foster said. "Then Al Blander, our senior manager, fiddled with a portable cassette player. Listening to that Chestnuts Roasting song while Blander scratched himself in his Santa suit, well, it wasn't much like Christmas."

Receptionist Ginny Cole expressed concern for some of the younger employees. "I'm older. I know how to handle myself in this type of situation. I wouldn't sit down to tell Santa what I wanted for Christmas, even if he had his hands tied behind his back and a big slab of plywood on his lap. And that's what I told him. Boy did that light [Blander's] fuse. Then he started up with that 'Ho, Ho, Ho. Any Ho will do' routine. Give it a rest already."

For the past six years Blander has filled the holiday weekend position of Santa Claus the Engineer on Santa's Tiny Train in the Greater Clayville Mall. Last year, while testing the locomotive's limits, Blander derailed the the Tiny Train. The engine and two occupied passenger cars rolled off the tracks at turn number three near the candle kiosk. Blander received only a warning from mall security.

Pendulum Investments employee Kevin Foster went on to say that the gift exchange was a success...for a while. "I got this excellent single serving coffee maker with a bean grinder in the exchange, but Blander kept trying to make the Irish Coffees faster and faster. I told him it wasn't made to do that. You can't pour whiskey in the water reservoir. He told me to shut up and then he threw the bean grinder at the microwave oven and stormed out of the break room."

Employees had hidden Blander's car keys, forcing him to hitchhike for an impromptu visit to Childrens' Hospital. Bill McKinney brought a stool to the curb for Blander, who experienced difficulty getting a ride.

"I guess his heart was in the right place, but he really did smell like an old boot," McKinney said. "It didn't help that he was yelling at the passing cars."

CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

Jingle All the Way

I saw "Santa" sitting on the side of the road with a sign that said NEED RIDE TO CHILDRENS HOSPITAL so I told him to get in my truck. After three blocks, I made him sit in back because I couldn't breathe with the stink coming off him. After I rounded a corner too fast, he pounded on the rearview window to show me his bare head. I guess the wind blew his hat and wig off but we found them on Pea Street. Then I took him home because he was in no shape to see kids and needed a bath and some Irish coffee. I'd leave my name but not being nice to "Santa" might make kids hate me. I really am sorry about the whole thing.

EDUCATION: Teachers in Tandem

Clayville Central High School has announced an addition to the faculty of its Department of Classical Languages. Superintendent Bob Speed is pleased with the catch. "Raymond and Margaret Podlack are a welcome addition to the school's staff. With our budget, we're lucky to have them. I'll be interested to see how this tandem-teaching method of theirs works out. Two teachers for the price of one, though, you can't beat."

The Podlacks are relocating from the northern region. "We're entrenched in history, not geography," Raymond Podlack said. "I'll pick up and go and think nothing of it. As long as I've got my Maggie and little Miss Maggie--our miniature schnauzer--I'm complete."

After college the Podlacks held a variety of jobs outside the field of education. "I'm not embarrassed to say I bathed dogs for a year and a half while Raymond completed correspondence courses," Margaret Podlack said. "Dog oil really stays with you. You should smell my hands."

Margaret maintains that their tandem-teaching method is great for the students and their marriage. "It's the love of language that brought us together in the wild and keeps us together in the classroom. We want to share that love with the kids. We're both Latin lovers, but sometimes Raymond leans more toward Greek...so the kids will have their eyes opened to the plethora of options available to them."

Clayville Central High School classes resume Tuesday, September 4. Space in the Podlacks' classes is limited. Interested parties are encouraged to register early and to bring a permission slip.

CLAYVILLE CENTRAL HIGH COMMENTS...

These teachers are too pale to be latin lovers. Maybe a little more sun and they could act it out for the class.

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Can students wear costumes? That would be COOL. If you have a lisp can you still learn how to pronouse Latin and Greek words out loud without being laffed at? Fred Litsey, Clayville Central student

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Raymond Podlack Responds
First, thanks for the great letters! The kids are certainly a motivating factor in our pursuits, and to see them so actively concerned with the upcoming school year is very encouraging.

To answer the first comment: we have had a wonderful summer with plenty of sunshine in our lives. You might not recognize us on the streets of Clayville, but we're here, and we are very tan.

As for Fred's question: not only will you be allowed to wear period clothing in the classroom, you will be required to! If you are using the school's remote class enrollment feature, remember to include your hat size. Do not include your ears in the measurement.

Believe it or not, I too once had a speech impediment. Bring yours to class and we'll work on it together. A big bonus with Latin is that we rarely speak it.

We are all looking forward to a great year ahead of us at Clayville Central!

Amo, Amas, Amat,
Raymond & Margaret Podlack

SPORTS: Better Late than Never

Clayville's Eastend Redstars finally get their hats.
Redstars Coach Charles Farnsworth was quick to point out that he left instructions for his temporary replacement, Kenny Perkins, where to pick up the team's hats.

Redstars standout, Timmy Wallace, offered his opinion. "We were already playing games without our hats when coach Farnsworth went on his dumb vacation. My dad said Farnsworth turned in the order late."

Kenny Perkins, who spoke with Forged News on the telephone from New York City, admitted he added to the delay. "Oh, I picked up the hats from the back of a broken down van. They were soaking wet. You know what I did? I took them straight home and bleached the funk right out of them. Those hats were pink when I finished. None of the kids wanted to be on the Southend Pinkstars, or whatever they were called. Eastend. Right here on the hats. Duh."

Perkins claims to have donated the pink hats to charity. He added that he paid for the replacement hats, only it took a little convincing to get his mother to agree to it. "She's already backed several of my shows. She says I've got a heart of gold, but a head of lead. Isn't that marvelous? You bet I'm using that line!"

Perkins is currently raising funds for an Off-Broadway production he co-authored with his long-time writing partner Boris Gun. "Yes, the working title is 'In the Pink,' and we do wear pink ball caps for a the last few numbers, but I can assure you they are not the Redstars'."

The Eastend Redstars close their season in the basement of their division this Saturday afternoon at Phillips Park when they play Big Ed's Muffler Shoppe.

CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...


Perkins' claims that the pink hats in his off-broadway show are not the ones he "rescued" from the back of a van in the rain and had to bleach the "funk" out of? Here's a hint: Perkins is a storyteller. Like his sincerity, his off-broadway production spins off into universes undiscovered and truth unknown.

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Perkins has a wild imagination, but he's a good assistant coach. At least he has the spitting and swearing down pat. Hope it's not an act. I want to think that his heart's in it for the good of the kids that need to burn off all their pent-up energy before they drive their tired parents crazy.
Mr. Wallace (Timmy's Dad)

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10% of males are either gay or bisexual from birth and wearing pink hats won't change that. Who said pink was a girl's color anyway? My life partner says I look fabulous in it.
Bobbie Bell, Rainbow Drag Show Coalition Founder

BUSINESS: Buying Big & Looking Small

A new study out by Whiteboard America reveals that up to 75% of whiteboard space is never used.

"I think it comes down to greed," Whiteboard America spokesman Dean Blackman said. "If they want a giant board, we'll sell it to them. I only ask that [the buyer] consider how ill-prepared they'll look when they have utilized only a little patch of the board for a presentation."

Blackman, who has been with WA for seven years, heads the marketing, and research and development departments. "You get a board too big and you really have trouble drawing a pie chart," he said. "Your pie ends up looking like an egg, and you end up with that egg on your face." Whiteboard America sells a large compass and cut-out templates to facilitate drawing pie- and bar-charts on the large boards.

"Our customers are wart-prone ninnies," Blackman continued, "the type that make warm puddles when creativity is called upon. You can print that, because they don't read."

Blackman mentioned that his art show, "Holes in My Head," opens this weekend at the Dragon Café. "My sculpture-paintings are on the wall near the pastry case. This year I hung them high enough to prevent people from picking at them."

CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

Checkmate

Just because I prefer looking at insects under a magnifying glass to filling up a whiteboard with fancy thoughts doesn't make me a dork. The punks in high school like Blackman really do have holes in their head. Want proof? I play cool loud music in my Mom's living room as soon as she leaves the house every morning. Does anyone in town want to trade for ABBA records? I need new tunes.

Dirk Datovech, Chess Champion

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Check, Please

Blackman has been creepy since high school. He stole mustard and ketchup from the cafeteria to use in his artwork. That's why people pick at his sculpture. They wonder if it's edible. Plus let's face it, the waitresses at the Dragon Café are so slow you could eat your shoe waiting.

Trash Train Keeps on Rollin'

Clayville will once again host the Trash Train as it makes its way through the city, where it will unload at Lucky's Landfill. Hugh Bucco, owner of Lucky's Landfill, has put a twist on things this year. However, some are asking if Bucco had a stroke of genius or merely a stroke when he initiated a treasure hunt at the dump.

Bucco maintains that he is trying to get people to change the way they look at garbage and maybe find some treasure while they’re at it. “Take the fuss over Styrofoam in the dump, for example. Pop your head in a bag of pricey potting soil and you’ll see little Styrofoam balls. They keep the soil from getting packed down. Hell’s bells, Clayville should be paying us for improving the soil!”

Activities will get under way at 10 a.m. this Saturday with an all-volunteer police-whistle band accompanying Derek Bucco on drums, as his sister Lucinda Bucco twirls her baton and performs her famous dirt splits.

Following the introductory ceremonies, attendees will be assigned to a heap of garbage on the Trash Train where they may pick, pry, and dig until noon. If picking and prying isn't your style, Lucky's Landfill will offer face-painting, balloon puppets, and an all-you-can-eat cotton candy & potato salad booth.

After the Trash Train has been emptied and hosed out, attendees are invited to ride the train for a brown-bag picnic where the Bucco siblings will perform impromptu skits relating to life at the dump. Audience participation is strongly encouraged.

The train will depart Historic Clayville Crossing for Lucky's Landfill at 4 p.m.


CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...
Lucky Like Dawn

Dawn Teeter told me she actually dug up an engagement ring under a pile of dog bones! Who knows how it got there. Maybe a long time ago some girl threw it at her fiance's dog when he canceled the wedding and he ate it. Dogs will even eat their own poop.

I wish I was lucky like Dawn. This year I found a plate with an angel on it that I thought was worth a lot. The antique dealer said it was junk because the mark on the back was spelled POORCILIN instead of PORCELAIN. Better luck next year, I guess.

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Remains of the Dump

Don't forget that If human (not dog) bones are found amongst the rubble to call Clayville Police immediately. Evidence will be sent for forensic DNA testing. If the bones are linked to the missing Clayville dentist, you may be due the reward that was generously and anonymously offered. Happy digging, Clayville!

NOTICE

Forged News has been closed for post-4th cleaning, restocking, and inventory. Expect a Tuesday edition, but don't hold your breath.

The Forged News employee who mistook Mark Bingham's bologna sandwich for his/her own is asked to replace it this Wednesday. Mark likes a little mustard on his meat, but nothing "fancy or brown."

Janitor Bill Wade has found an inordinate number of socks and other items "jammed behind the toilets," and asks that, in the future, employees and their guests use the trash receptacles for a change. "People should treat the bathroom with respect," Wade said.

Teddy Frisk from accounting has cleaned and alphabetized items in the mini-fridge. "Smells like a swimming pool now," Frisk said. "We should really be ready to go this time tomorrow...unless that cow in circulation gets her hooves in there."



CLASSIFIED CLAYVILLE
Personals
Whoever stole Mark's sandwich better go to the grocery tonight for bologna. Binghams's wife Betty has Mark on a strict budget and the poor bloke only has enough cash to ride the bus to work. If I hear his stomach rumble at lunchtime again in the cube next to mine I will go insane.

PS - Teddy from accounting is a love. Who else would scrape all that gunk off our scummy shelves? Does anyone think it's too soon after his wife's funeral for him to start dating?

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4th of JULY EVENTS EXTEND to 5th

Flanagan Bros. Fireworks Company is under investigation this morning after several of last night's explosions got out of control. According to witnesses, the fireworks display was nothing more than two or three Roman candles and various containers filled will gasoline, which were ignited by 2nd Class Wickmaster Paul "Lefty" Flanagan. Several spectators witnessed some of the younger Flanagan family members siphoning gasoline out of nearby cars.

More Bang for Your Buck?
"Hey, every year the crowd wants bigger and better," a senior Flanagan said. "That's what we deliver. This is how they do it in Hollywood, and they pay big bucks for it."

Safety First
Mr. Safety (Richard Templeton), has petitioned Clayville City Council for years to stop the fireworks show. In place of live explosives, Templeton has proposed a slide show with audio accompaniment and narration. "There are more than enough photographs of fireworks floating around this town. I see no need to endanger Clayville citizens and their property with this live-fire exercise that serves no purpose other than to excite the stupid and upset the feeble."

AROUND TOWN: Pool Party on the 4th!

The Clayville Citizens for Incontinence Awareness will host an Independence Day party at Clayville Community Pool.

Pool Administrator Bob Alviral welcomes all. "This thing isn't limited to CIA members. What are you waiting for? Come on over and get your feet wet with the gang."