CONCERNED
Dear Cromwell,
I know some secrets about Clayville town officials. It involves monkeys and things no lady should ever witness. It may even be linked to unsolved area crimes.
Should I tell the paper or keep quiet? The thing is, if I tell Forged News how I got the information, they'll ask me how I know. I would have to admit to wiretapping, peeping into windows, and a lot of tiptoeing around.
Some of what I did might be considered illegal. But then again, journalists are inquisitive so they'll understand why I like nosing around, right?
Signed,
Concerned Clayville Citizen
PS - I see you buying a lot of pantyhose at Nerk's Grocery. Are they REALLY for your wife or do the clerks suspect that you're a cross-dresser?
Dear Concerned:
Citing the Code of Clayville, Section 2.189: No circus animal, or derivative thereof, shall be used in deciding matters of public interest.
If the scene you believe you witnessed was relevant to the decision making process that would affect the public, you might have a case for the courts. If the officials and monkeys were merely engaged in merrymaking, please send the information to Forged News, c/o Entertainment. Gary would love to have some new material on his desk. You will remember he wrote the piece on the chimpanzee opera.
You do not have to worry your head with proof of your accusations. Forged News does not require source materials--our fact-checker has been asleep at the wheel for years, making it much easier for us to meet deadlines.
Regarding the clerks at Nerk's, I'll hold to my credo: Wear a 'stach and pay cash. Also, I can tell you that my purchases are primarily for Mayor Todd Ramsey's "Hose the Homeless" campaign.
- Cromwell
Need your nut cracked? Send questions to:
Cromwell@ForgedMagazine.com
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