SOCIETY: CUTTING a PATH

They are dedicated, confident, and the number-one buyers of disposable lighters.

Ricky Wonder and Debbie D. are just two of the many rockers who live on the edge of polite society. However, despite their wild ways, they aren't that different from most people.

"We're not superheroes or anything," Wonder said. "We get sick just like everybody else, and we shop for groceries just like everybody else." He turned to Debbie D., and together they enthusiastically said, "but we rock out like nobody else!"

When asked why they would choose such a lifestyle, Wonder held up his right fist and, wiggling his pinkie and index fingers, said that he didn't choose to have fingers on his hands, "But I got 'em. I came out of my mom kicking and screaming, and that's the way I'll go to my grave."

"We want the same things out of life that everybody else does," Debbie D. said.

"Mostly," Wonder added.

CITIZEN'S ARREST FOILED

Twelve-year-old Tommy Doup and his younger brother, nine-year-old Bert, didn't know they were breaking a federal law on Friday, but senior citizen Wayne Hillier did.

"I saw the boys right off Clayville Crossing. My first concern was their safety. Kids shouldn't play near the railroad tracks. It's a good way to get torn up."

The Doup brothers had laid down a row of pennies on the track for the train to flatten. "Other kids do it all the time. Then that old weirdo came over and grabbed at us with his long fingernails. I got a big scratch on my arm."

Hillier said, "I was looking out for the kids, and the pennies. Do you know it is a federal offense to destroy U.S. currency? No? Seems like nobody enforces any law these days."

The younger Doup tried to fend off Hillier using Karate. Hillier said, "It was like trying to rescue an animal that has been hit by a car. It's the last time I try to teach the rats a lesson."

Camp Clayville Gets State & Fed OK

4-H Camp Clayville gets go-ahead from state and federal agencies to open.


Campers and parents were delighted to learn that Leechers Lake got the all-clear from both hazardous waste agencies--a first in the Lake's history. In the past, Leechers Lake has produced higher-than-acceptable levels of PCBs and Kepone.

Ed Houser, who has overseen the management of the lake for thirty-five years, maintains that the lake is safe "as long as the kids don't dive too deep and disturb the bottom mud." When asked about eating the fish caught in the Lake, Houser said that most of the fish stay close to the surface and should be fine for eating.

CITIZEN ALERT: Blimp is NOT Enemy

Reminder for all Clayville residents and their guests...

This weekend the Goodyear Blimp will pass over the city. Residents are asked to refrain from shooting at it.

Reuben Cotter has piloted the blimp for over ten years. "Some people think because it's up in the air like that, that there aren't people inside. Nimrods fire guns at the blimp, shoot fireworks and model rockets at her, and even encourage their children to throw rocks. Sometimes after I land I'm greeted by a crackpot yelling, 'Oh, the humanity.' It gets old."

Cotter said he has had Clayville marked on his map of dangerous fly-zones for several years. "I don't want to incite anyone, but we do catch the most flak from the Clayville area. I plan to empty my black water holding tank over the community pool if the residents give me any trouble."

Last year Police Sergeant Jeffrey Buys reported eight car wrecks. "People hop in the car and chase the blimp. They get really torked out of shape when that thing is in the sky. Some make a real day out of it, tossing in a beer cooler and bottle rockets. I guess it's good practice." Buys also said that, should Cotter empty his toilet water over the community pool, he'd have hell to pay. "There are plenty of places in Clayville to dump, places where it wouldn't matter, but the community pool, well that's a soft target as far as I'm concerned. Maybe I'll take a shot at the thing myself--I'm kidding."

Clayville Comments...

The choice is clear, Clayville. Resist the thrill of targeting the blimp in your cross hairs. OK, target it in your cross hairs. Drink a beer. Then drink another. But don't shoot. And for Christ sake, don't drive.

Instead, walk down the street to the pool and jump in. Remember, this summer's percentage of urine content (the result of leaky toddler pull-ups and teenagers on dope) has been greatly reduced due to the thorough cleaning process instituted by new management.

But a blimp dump would present a real problem.

Bob Alviral, Pool Administrator
Bebe Alviral, Certified Splash Therapist

IN MEMORIAM: Oliver Kessler

Popular waterfowl Oliver the Duck died this past week. Oliver, who was well known at local schools and senior homes, was twenty-three.

Gertrude Kessler, who raised Oliver from an egg, said he lived a fuller life than most humans. "Crazy, how attached you get. That boy was my family. You know they don't have a sphincter muscle where it counts, so they can't be potty trained. Dear old thing would waddle up to me for his pre-dinner squeezing."

Kessler, a born problem-solver, devised a compression method that involved a beach towel and a special constrictor knot. This effectively emptied the duck and reduced accidents during dinner. "My proper table was set with bone china, sterling silver, white linen, and two or three ducks."

Kessler taught Oliver to hold a crayon in his beak and draw. He had several cartoons that ran in a Siberian newspaper and one local art exhibit that garnered national media attention.

"I think what I'd like to hear when I pass through the pearly gates is: Squeeze your duck and please be seated at the table."

Clayville Comments...

Oliver had a sister named Olive, who had baby ducks Dora, Ducky, and Dicky. One of the three escaped and it was hard to tell them apart. But they think it was Dicky, due to the black spot on his hindquarters.

Anyways, old man Gonzy that was always hungry for fresh bird, shot and kilt Dicky. You could smell that greesy duck cooking on his barbeque for miles.

Thank heaven Gertrude's eyes are too blind to read this. She never got to hold Dicky like she did Oliver.

LEISURE: Snoozer or Loser

Man asks doctor to induce coma for upcoming family vacation.

Brock Weller admits asking his doctor for a knockout pill to "ease him through" vacation.

"Don't get me wrong," Weller said, "I love my family, but I strongly feel that the words 'vacation' and 'family' should be far apart from each other."

Weller cited past "vacations" in which his daughter Kaitlin's pet gerbil was smuggled aboard and urinated under the car seats, his son Greg's poor handling of puberty fetched nasty comments from lifeguards at the beach, and his wife Ellen's aggressive insistence on tipping only ten percent at restaurants left Weller with severe pain in his right eye.

"I wasn't brought up that way. I always tip twenty percent, even if the service is lousy. And there is nothing worse than a chubby pubescent boy in a Speedo playing with a gerbil. I'd rather sleep through the whole thing, it is just the way I'm put together."

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HAPPY ADS

HAPPY FATHERS DAY to FOS Media Group mogul Glen Fouts.

In a sense, we are all your children.

-The Forged News staff.

Camptown Ladies Sing This Song

4-H Camp Clayville got off to a rocky start this past weekend as future campers were plucked from Leechers Lake and used as laborers. During the orientation weekend, over twenty campers were taken to Camp Sergeant Dirk Freewood's home where they weeded his wife's garden and cleaned up "a lot of gross stuff" from inside the couple's home.

Freewood said the program, Build a Better Nest, was designed to teach the children how to successfully manage a home on their own. "Besides," Freewood said, "they didn't even do a good job."

Kathy Martin, whose daughter Tammy is a veteran camper, said, "There's a lot worse things that could happen to a kid. I just hope they was wearing thick rubber gloves and boots."

Camp Clayville officially opens next Monday.

CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

Thanks to Sergeant Dirk, I learned how to clean rubber sheets and clogged drains. I am now a certified Martha Stewart stinkologist. I can identify and exterminate the source of any stinky problem before it blossoms into a crisis.

Is there more to camping than cleaning? You tell me.

Signed,
Former 4-H Camper

Entertainment Calendar: Mr. Safety to Strut Stuff

Mr. Safety, who coined the phrase "If it ain't broke, it will be," presents his one-act play, "The Catastrophic Kitchen," next Wednesday at Riverdam Elementary School.

The show will be held in Crane Auditorium at 1:00 p.m. Following the performance, warm milk and no-bake soft cookies will be served.

Perhaps best known for his dramatic 1995 skit "The Menacing Lawnmower," which won a national Safebody award, Mr. Safety (Richard Templeton) has led a rather obscure existence, one that many say has bordered on reclusive.

Mr. Templeton has requested that there be no flash photography, and that applause and laughter be held until the curtain closes.


CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

Mr. Safety knows where every fire hydrant in Clayville is, better than any dog. He told me on our first date 40 years ago. He was meticulous about condom usage, even back in the sexual heyday of the 60's. Mr. Safety would never say, "accidents will happen" but always "accidents CAN'T happen." But I digress.

He's a fascinating, talented man. He's reclusive because he's a germaphobe. He smells like Dial soap. Poor guy – giant lifelike germs haunt his dreams.

At the play, I might be in the back row wearing a wig and thick glasses and dabbing my misty eyes with an embroidered handkerchief. But I might not.

CONCERNED

Dear Cromwell,

I know some secrets about Clayville town officials. It involves monkeys and things no lady should ever witness. It may even be linked to unsolved area crimes.

Should I tell the paper or keep quiet? The thing is, if I tell Forged News how I got the information, they'll ask me how I know. I would have to admit to wiretapping, peeping into windows, and a lot of tiptoeing around.

Some of what I did might be considered illegal. But then again, journalists are inquisitive so they'll understand why I like nosing around, right?

Signed,
Concerned Clayville Citizen

PS - I see you buying a lot of pantyhose at Nerk's Grocery. Are they REALLY for your wife or do the clerks suspect that you're a cross-dresser?

Dear Concerned:

Citing the Code of Clayville, Section 2.189: No circus animal, or derivative thereof, shall be used in deciding matters of public interest.

If the scene you believe you witnessed was relevant to the decision making process that would affect the public, you might have a case for the courts. If the officials and monkeys were merely engaged in merrymaking, please send the information to Forged News, c/o Entertainment. Gary would love to have some new material on his desk. You will remember he wrote the piece on the chimpanzee opera.

You do not have to worry your head with proof of your accusations. Forged News does not require source materials--our fact-checker has been asleep at the wheel for years, making it much easier for us to meet deadlines.

Regarding the clerks at Nerk's, I'll hold to my credo: Wear a 'stach and pay cash. Also, I can tell you that my purchases are primarily for Mayor Todd Ramsey's "Hose the Homeless" campaign.

- Cromwell

Need your nut cracked? Send questions to:
Cromwell@ForgedMagazine.com

Cromwell got on the bus, but will return next Friday.
Need your nut cracked? Send questions to:
Cromwell@ForgedMagazine.com

ANNOUNCEMENT: Mountian Retreat Schedule

Forged News annual mountain retreat is on schedule. FOS Media founder Glen Fouts will NOT be permitted to drive the bus this year, even for "just a little stretch."

The Forged News Bus will depart Clayville for THE SHAKES Cabins & Cots at noon on Sunday and return Friday evening. The bus may or may not be air conditioned, so dress with that in mind.

A bucket lunch of free-grab peanuts and pickles will be provided on the bus. Draft beer will be available at the back of the bus and monitored by Rodney, who will also preform pump-duty and provide his unique kazoo music. Restroom stops will be decided by committee. Non-drinking passengers and children may not vote.

This year please do not leave unsupervised minors with THE SHAKES employees, or Mr. Fouts.

Schedule as Follows (ALL items subject to change):

Sunday: Arrive at THE SHAKES. Sing-Along with "Mountain Maniac" Bucky Dinger. Volleyball, arm wrestling, and weasel toss. Free body scan for ticks and leeches at THE SHAKES bait shop.

Monday: Bus trip to Smoke Hole Cavern. Eat at Lunch on the Rim. Dinner: Cookout.

Tuesday: Fishing and Swimming in cold mountain creek. Beer Bottle Shooting & Turkey Call Lessons. Dinner: Cookout. Pie eating contest.

Wednesday: Return to Smoke Hole Cavern for private out-of-bounds tour. Dinner: Cookout with special SHAKES baked beans.

Thursday: Sack race. Dinner: Cookout. Final free body scan for ticks and leeches at THE SHAKES bait shop. Early to bed.

Friday: Homeward Bound!