EDUCATATION: Pudding Pants

Clayville Elementary on Heightened Alert

Late this morning a male student stopped in the hallway outside the Clayville Elementary school cafeteria to fart. According to fellow classmate Ginny Kempler, the boy grabbed her forearm in the hallway and grunted, but when she didn’t hear anything come out, she grew worried. “His face looked weird, like he was scared, and it sure got stinky around him,” she said. “I’m not used to people acting like that. My father is a very good man. He would never hold me to do that.”

Apparently, there was no accomplice. The school's janitor, identified only as Fast Eddie, ruled out the pull-my-finger routine early in his investigation of the incident.

“Yeah, I seen this kind of stuff before. One-man operation. I cleaned up worse, too. In my day we called it Pudding Pants. It’s when the pink winker don’t catch it in time.

“Poor kid was pretty broken up about the whole thing, so I didn’t push him too much. Plus, they don't like me talking to the kids. My heart really goes out to him. I been there.”

The school's principal, Jennifer Marsh, said the boy was a fine student and she didn’t see any reason for this to be a mark on his permanent record. She went on to say, that while they don’t wiretap their telephone lines, [most school employees] loiter near the telephone area and often pick up bits of conversations.

“[The boy] was crying a little when he spoke to his mother over the phone,” Mrs. Marsh said. “Then he explained the problem. He said he put too much confidence in a fart. Personally, I think he was trying to impress that Kempler girl and threw caution to the wind.” Marsh laughed. "He made an impression on that girl alright."

School counselors interviewed Ginny Kempler and several classmates who came on the scene, but they refused to comment, citing privacy laws.

With outstretched arms, standing the pine-scented hallway, Fast Eddie bellowed, “Where’s my counselor?” He smiled. "I'm kidding. This is exactly what I signed on for."