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POLICE BEAT UPDATE

Clayville Police Department to Offer Incentives

Responding to a community call for action, Police Sergeant Jeffrey Buys has initiated the Eyes, Ears, & Balls program, calling on concerned citizens to patrol their neighborhoods.

After passing an oral exam, applicants will be issued a paintball gun and a 100-round pod of paintballs filled with dye. The dye, similar to that used in exploding dye-packs by banks, is extremely difficult to wash off clothing, bricks, and common house-pets.

Buys also has a sister-program in the works for less-mobile citizens: Crooks-4-Beer. "You hand us a bad guy, we'll hand you a cold one." The program, while still in its infancy, has netted at least one criminal. "In theory," Buys said, "you could sit on your porch all day long and have the police deliver ice-cold beer. That's a theory I think most people can live with."

POLICE BEAT

Man found squeezing Bob Evans Original Recipe Roll Sausage into coin returns in West Clayville.
Bryan Nolan, age 26, told police that he was attempting to save a little lady from making a big mistake.

Nolan first drew the attention of West Clayville residents by intently watching people at pay phones and outdoor vending machines. Nerks Grocery clerk Brandy Prosser was one of the many who called police. “I saw him creeping around a couple of other places besides here. Then he found a stick that he was always whapping against stuff. It wasn't like normal loitering.”

Police Sergeant Jeffrey Buys said Nolan repeatedly asked him what he thought was a "good car" and what product would remove stains from the Playmate cooler he was carrying at the time of his arrest.

“We've got a lot of unsolved crimes here,” Buys said, “and this guy is definitely a person of interest.”

ADVERTISEMENT

Benchclearing: Baseball’s Best Fights and Riots
by Spike Vrusho
In Bookstores Spring 2008 from Lyons Press

# ISBN-10: 1599210525
# ISBN-13: 978-1599210520

CLASSIFIEDS

HELP WANTED
Good with details?
Clayville Water and Sewer Department (WASD) is looking for an apprentice to Master Hole Inspector.

Applicant will have valid driver's license and long arms. Ability to duck-walk a plus.

We promote from within. Too many fringe benefits to list!


REPLY HW2999

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EVENTS
Hot Dog Eating Contest
The Dawg Box on South Main Street will hold its second annual hot dog eating contest. Kevin Foster and Rodney Shrimplin are reminded of the restraining order. This year all hot dogs will be held at room temperature, and the Clayville EMT will monitor the event.

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CROSSED WIRES
You were wearing a soiled pink halter top and fingering the payphone coin return slot outside Nerks Grocery. I told you about a practical joke kids play by jamming dog-do in the coin return. You left. Lets get this ironed out.
REPLY MS3329

TECHNOLOGY: A Hip Pocket Phone

Gary Tipton finally said to hell with selecting a new cell phone and complicated plan.

"I went to the store and said I wanted to upgrade my phone because I couldn't get service anywhere on the damn thing. This pasty toad tells me my phone is analog, and that analog is being phased out. I was in that store for an hour. That was when it hit me. I need a drink."

Tipton returned home without a new phone. "This is the prototype," he said holding up a broken cell phone duct-taped to a flask. "I call it the Flask Phone, made to fit in your back pocket. I already got a good bit invested in it." Tipton demonstrated the drinking feature of the phone.

"After I got back from the phone store I had myself a couple of stiff ones. Then I took that damn phone and smashed it on the sidewalk. It was like that TV commercial. I stood there with my flask in one hand and the cell phone on ground. You got your cell phone in my peanut butter." Tipton plans on letting the techheads do the fine tuning.

"I figure you gotta give on size one way or another. You want more booze or more phone? The choice is yours. You get bad news, good news? Unscrew the top and drown your sorrows or celebrate."

A full line of Flask Phones(TM) is scheduled to hit stores early this fall, pending FCC approval.

LIFE: Mother's Day Reality Check

For many mothers, this day is one that finds mom standing in line at the local Waffle Shack wondering if that greeting card filled with words never uttered by a human was even read by her husband or children.

"For all the glorious things you do, mother."
Well, Captain Skidmarks and his little crew of skid-ettes have a wake up call coming on Monday, because mother is not washing their dirty pants on Sunday.

BUSINESS: FOS Media Makes a Move

FOS Media has acquired Forged Magazine.

In what some are calling a bold move, FOS Media founder Glen Fouts has decided to push forth with the re-launch of Forged Magazine.

"I got a lot on my plate," Fouts said, "but I'm working my way through." He patted is belly and laughed.

Fouts went on to say that he has been working on the re-launch for some time now, and he expects to have the first new issue out as early as this summer, maybe sooner. "Getting this issue to press has been like squeezing eggs out of a snapping turtle," he said.

SPORTS: Dancing on the Ballfield

Former Dance Instructor to Coach Little League.
While head coach Charles Farnsworth is on vacation with his family, Kenny Perkins, a director, performer, and former dance instructor whose résumé includes several local and out-of-state dinner theater productions, will fill the coaching position for the Eastend RedStars.

"I'm playing it like a part, but there's no script! This is a real by-the-seat-of-my-pants production. To be perfectly honest, I don't know thing one about baseball today. Used to be baseball was about a sloppy wiener and a bucket of beer. I don't know what these kids expect from me."

Right fielder Timmy Wallace was confused by the decision for Perkins to coach. "Yeah, I don't know what he means when he tells us to get out there and give them that old razzle dazzle. I need to know where to stand in the outfield."

Other players are having difficulty with the coaching change. RedStars slugger Billy Danner also questions Perkins' coaching style. "He always tells us to bunt. I don't want to bunt, but he tells everyone to bunt. I think he just likes saying bunt, because he always laughs after he says it."

The Eastend RedStars host Mama Mia's Bigdogs this Saturday at 3 p.m. at Phillips Park.

"I've got butterflies," Perkins said. "But come heck or high water, this show will go on."

POLICE BEAT

Man Defends Skink at Local Pet Palace

Two unidentified adult males got into a heated argument after one of the men tapped on a skink aquarium.

Store manager Mike Chow said the glass is clearly labeled. "It says, 'Do not tap on glass.'

"I asked the man in the handicap scooter to stop tapping, but he said the lizard was dead. The lizard wasn't dead. Then that little man with a knife on his belt came over and started yelling at the guy. They reminded me of baboons, the way they made high-pitch howls at each other."

Chow, who has been with Pet Palace for just over a year, said he doesn't understand why people have to tap on the glass. "They all do it. Soon as they come through the front door the knuckles come out. Some use their class ring or wedding ring, and I saw one old man use a penny. They seem to head toward the aquariums with the signs posted.

"If there is one thing I've learned on this job, it's that I really don't like people very much."

ADVICE from Cromwell

Perplexed

Dear Cromwell:
Last night after I returned from a late meeting, I caught my wife baring her teeth and growling into the bedroom mirror. She was dressed in her evening robe, her hair perfectly brushed, but she was wearing a pair of my work shoes. When I asked her what she was doing, she mumbled something about self-defense and climbed directly into bed.

I tried to laugh it off, but I can't help feeling like she's hiding something.

What should I do?

-Perplexed


Perplexed:
Finding an enemy in the mirror is often the first sign that the spit has hit the skillet.

Buy that woman a cuckoo clock, wind it up until the spring breaks and get out of Dodge.
- Cromwell

Questions for Cromwell? Send them to: forgednews@yahoo.com

EDUCATATION: Pudding Pants

Clayville Elementary on Heightened Alert

Late this morning a male student stopped in the hallway outside the Clayville Elementary school cafeteria to fart. According to fellow classmate Ginny Kempler, the boy grabbed her forearm in the hallway and grunted, but when she didn’t hear anything come out, she grew worried. “His face looked weird, like he was scared, and it sure got stinky around him,” she said. “I’m not used to people acting like that. My father is a very good man. He would never hold me to do that.”

Apparently, there was no accomplice. The school's janitor, identified only as Fast Eddie, ruled out the pull-my-finger routine early in his investigation of the incident.

“Yeah, I seen this kind of stuff before. One-man operation. I cleaned up worse, too. In my day we called it Pudding Pants. It’s when the pink winker don’t catch it in time.

“Poor kid was pretty broken up about the whole thing, so I didn’t push him too much. Plus, they don't like me talking to the kids. My heart really goes out to him. I been there.”

The school's principal, Jennifer Marsh, said the boy was a fine student and she didn’t see any reason for this to be a mark on his permanent record. She went on to say, that while they don’t wiretap their telephone lines, [most school employees] loiter near the telephone area and often pick up bits of conversations.

“[The boy] was crying a little when he spoke to his mother over the phone,” Mrs. Marsh said. “Then he explained the problem. He said he put too much confidence in a fart. Personally, I think he was trying to impress that Kempler girl and threw caution to the wind.” Marsh laughed. "He made an impression on that girl alright."

School counselors interviewed Ginny Kempler and several classmates who came on the scene, but they refused to comment, citing privacy laws.

With outstretched arms, standing the pine-scented hallway, Fast Eddie bellowed, “Where’s my counselor?” He smiled. "I'm kidding. This is exactly what I signed on for."

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