MILESTONES: Inventor Clarence Yarmen

Clarence Yarmen, inventor of the toe knuckle razor, the electric door knocker, and countless other niche devices, passed away at his home on Saturday following an accident in his garage.

Shortly after high school Yarmen spent some time in the US Navy. Friends called him a man with an independent mind and a true freethinker.

"He dug through garbage. That's how I met him so many years ago," neighbor Seth Greenburg said. "I looked out the window to see him pulling apart my old Eureka vacuum cleaner. Strange sight, but we got used to it."

His neighbors had mixed emotions about the ever-changing display of noisy robots on his front lawn. Most of Yarmen's robots were constructed of steel drums and metal ductwork, but some of the more elaborate "females" had loud speakers and could move their arms and shoot fireworks into the street.

Yarmen wrote and performed plays with the robots, which were linked to microphones and controls inside his living room. The neighborhood broadcast of his Christmas play, "Fistfight at the Manger," caused some outrage in the community several years ago.

Nancy Slade led a failed campaign to evict the robots. "That play, it was something else. No reason to make robots cuss during Christmastime. And those wrestling girl robots looked obscene. Pure trash. The end was the worst part.

"Oh, he calmed down for a while," Slade said. "He dressed robots like farmers and smashed up mailboxes that he dressed like chickens, but he didn't fool me."

Clarence Yarmen willed his robot ranch to Clayville Community College. Kevin Martin, head of the Department of Natural and Applied Sciences at the college said, "I never dreamed we would have a robotics lab at Clayville. I am very excited for the students and for Clayville. It appears that Yarmen laid some very important groundwork, and we will build upon it. That is a promise."

ARBOR DAY

Arbor Day Celebration cut short when students at Stafford Elementary found an underground electrical line.

Assistant Principal Ben Knowles said the power line was new. "We had some cheap labor in here, and they dug up this area to put in security lights. The kids had all these trees to plant, and of course they went for the soft ground. I really thought [the laborers] would have buried the lines a little deeper."

Knowles' quick action is credited with saving at least one boy's life. "The Dobbin kid is hyperactive, but this time he really had something to jump about." Knowles knocked the boy free of the line using a shovel. "Something I learned in Boy Scouts years ago." However, the power line was not live.

Dobbin's parents were a little less understanding, but eventually conceded that the boy probably had a good conk coming. "First we were going to sue, but then we saw how behaved the boy was. We'll call it break even."

Stafford Elementary has 97 of the 100 maple trees available. Anyone interested may pick them up from the basketball court. Mind the wires!

NOTICE

The First Church of the Poor has cancelled its mother-daughter scrapbooking class until further notice. During last week's father-son scrapbooking class a rubber unicorn got stuck to the glue gun and fell into the sparkle bucket.

LAND THAT I LOVE

A DOG'S LIFE

Easement proposed for dog walkers. City councilman Bert Gray pushed for a bill to include an easement for dog walkers. "It is really city property out there by the road. I proposed a dog dumping easement of 15 feet from the street into the yard, but was shot down. I'm trying to get people to develop a sense of community, even if we have to force it on them. They say it takes a village to raise a child, well, the same goes for a dog."

Subprime loans filled once-sedate neighborhoods with raging idiots. Barry Funk watched as his neighborhood took the hit. "They were like ants on a sugar cube when they moved in--playing music, chaining their stupid big dogs to a tree to bark all night long, kids' toys were thrown all over the yard. We asked them to turn down their music and were met with threats."

Who's eating sugar now?
Once the higher interest rates kicked in, many borrowers defaulted.

"It was like somebody came in with a big can of Black Flag and sprayed it right in their stupid ant eyes. I felt like having a party when they moved out."

Man no longer called Dr. Doolittle after he was mauled by a neighbor's dog. Friends no longer call Bob White, Dr. Doolittle. "He used to talk to butterflies, saying, 'Hey, little fella, aren't you a pretty thing,' and stuff like that. He doesn't do much of that anymore," a friend said. "I told him to leave that dog alone."

FOR SALE

DIAPERS
Assorted sizes from x-small to adult grande dame. Must be 20-25 open-box diapers.
$12.25
Reply: FS3881

MOTHER'S MILK
Three quarts of real mother's milk. Good for baby or hobbyist.
$27 per quart.
Reply: FS3881

MATTRESS L@@K
Queen size mattress with very neat stain. Stain is in shape of Abraham Lincoln's bust (without stovepipe hat). Unique. Great for the collector. Hate to part with but moving. Selling cheap. $150
Reply: FS3881

TOILET
Fudge Factory musical toddler toilet. Teach your children to enjoy toilet time with this musical seat! In a pinch can double as adult camp or car toilet. Like new. $30 OBO
Reply: FS3881

PAINTING
Painting of Jesus playing poker with dogs. Great quality. Perfect for den or office. Real nice. $14.99
Reply: FS6471

BOOKS
Box of. Good parts underlined, comments in white spaces, stupid pages ripped out. Time saver. Make offer.
Reply: FS3881

COMING SOON!

Harold Burkhead's online journal.
Purloin Press founder, Harold Burkhead, lets us know what makes him tick, and what makes him explode.
Burkhead, with several other Purloin Press associates, will reveal the secrets of self-publishing. Buckle up, this should be a wild ride!

MEDICAL SNIPPET

Men over 50 not creative with their urine.
Freeboltz & Krust, one of the largest providers of peter care for the United States, has released a report detailing a shocking decline in the amount of things men over 50 do--or do not do--with their urine spray.

As early as 35, most men in the US stop group-peeing on things in the out-of-doors. The study did not follow indoor activity.

While there are anomalies, the occasional snowman, or buddy's foot, most men begin to notice WSS (weak stream syndrome) after age 45, and tend to pee in private--often in a seated position. The study noted: The golden arc just isn't there--it's more like a rain water running down a bent nail.

The F&K report did hold out some hope on the situation. Bladder manipulation devices are just around the corner. Which corner, the report did not detail.

ADVICE from Cromwell

CRYBABY HUBBY
Dear Cromwell:
I don't know where my husband got his ideas of being sensitive from and I don't know why he thinks it is so good. I am sick of him crying and slobbering all over the place all of the time and saying things are sweet and nice. He has been calling me Baby Doll and wearing white turtleneck shirts with these stupid red slacks he picked up someplace. Can you believe it?

If his dad was around to see this he would puke right into our kitchen sink. I feel like puking in that sink. So does my daughter.

Should I divorce this dummy? I didn't sign on for this stuff. I wanna MAN!!!
Sick of Crybaby Hubby

Sick of:
He might not be the man you married, and I believe this is grounds for a divorce. I would mention fraud if this thing goes to court. Put a big black letter L on his head for loser and move on. Nobody needs to live life feeling like they need to puke in the kitchen sink all of the time. Why have you been subjecting your daughter to this? Grow up and get out!
- Cromwell

Questions for Cromwell? Send them to: forgednews@yahoo.com

LIFESTYLES: One Man Honking

Man waxes philosophical about honking his car horn.
Danny Berterweltz says, "It's like whistling, only most people don't whistle when they get cut off in traffic. I let the bird fly, too." He laughs. "Broke my wrist once when I tried to get it out the window too fast. Boy was I [upset].

"I honk for other things, too. Like a pretty girl. I honk at her to make her jump and jiggle a little.

"Plus, I honk if a [overweight person] is bent over working on their yard. I honk and sometimes yell, 'looking good!'"

It hasn't been a bed of roses for Berterweltz. "It might be a free country, but that don't mean people don't get [upset] when I honk. Right back at ya, buddy."

Berterweltz drives a Ford Explorer, but says he would love to drive a Hummer. "It's my dream machine. If I got one, it'd have musical air horns on it. I'd play that charge song a lot, like they do at the baseball games when things got to get charged up. Maybe get one of them tornado's-a-coming horns, too."

Despite his never-say-die attitude, Berterweltz remains single. "Just haven't found the right one, I guess. I had a Hummer, then they'd come crawling out of the ditch for me. Twist that air raid siren, hit 'em with the spotlights. Dang. They wouldn't know what's what."

HELP WANTED

ASSISTANT
Assistance needed with husband who is a slow learner. Must be good with flashcards and know how to work garden hose nozzle. Not afraid to get your hands dirty. Pay rate negotiable.
Reply: HW2897

SPECIALIST
Good with a Bing No. 6 bottle brush? A Reacher-8 "J" brush? You may be just the candidate for me!
Reply: HW2228

RECEIVABLES
Need reliable person with clean trousers to wait for package.
Reply: HW1101

EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT
Looking for ambitious go-getter. We have an opening in an exciting new business. Seek ankle-holder or wrist-holder. Some experience is a plus, but will train the right individual. Clock-watchers need not apply.
Reply: HW2098

FREE

MYSTERY BOX
Just cleaned out car trunk. Have mystery box of goodies. Free to first taker.
Reply: FR6910

STUMP
Old oak stump full of fast moving pinch beetles. Good for the back yard birder or as an educational tool for the young uns. You must haul. Still partially attached to the ground.
Reply: FR9988

TRAMPOLINE.
Reply: FR3876

CRUTCHES & NECK BRACE.
Reply: FR3876

FOR SALE

BABY DOLLS
Nice collection of 13 plastic baby dolls. Recently cleaned. Husband no longer interested. No clothes or legs. Sorry. $10 takes all.
Reply: FS9970

HELMET
Orange helmet for big to large size head. Covers most of the head. Chinstrap included. Great safety item!!! $5 OBO.
Reply: FS4867

JAR OF PASTE
Half eaten large jar of white school paste. Not much crust. 100 percent safe. $15 or trade for goldfish bowl or mens size 12 rubber boots.
Reply: FS6294

SCIENCE: The Nose Knows

Dr. Earl Hadlock, general practitioner and researcher at the Albright Institute for the past twenty-three years, has come to a conclusion. Some people smell like a hamburger.

“Initially, I thought I was getting them on a bad day, or maybe they were nervous, but, more and more, I've noticed that certain men smell like hamburgers. In particular, they smell like cheeseburgers with diced onions.”

Hadlock, a vegetarian for nearly thirty years, says the smell is not unpleasant, but it is disturbing. “The smell is usually strongest in the right armpit. That is where many microorganisms, primarily bacteria, thrive. What I'm trying to do here is to make a pit-cheeseburger connection, as it were. But there are wider implications to consider as well.

“Most men are right-handed, so the left pit gets the heavy sweep with deodorant. Also, there is a sensitive thorny gland in the right armpit of most adult males. This gland, the Tinker Teat, often secretes a bitter milky substance. Most males avoid applying deodorant directly to the tender gland.”

Hadlock offers discounts to patients who agree to submit to the pit-swabbing and sniffing.

“It's really a win-win situation. I get my little guys for the dish, a whiff or two, and the patients save on the bill. Nobody's getting hurt.”

Some patients are hesitant, confusing the pit-swab with a DNA sample. Hadlock dismisses this association. “Folks watch too much television. I could take a culture sample without telling them what I was doing, but that would be unethical, in my book, at least.”

Three years ago, Dr. Franklin Fendowski, a former fertility specialist at the Albright Institute, was accused of selling donor sperm samples to a small holistic healing hospital in China.

“Since then,” Hadlock said, “they have really put a lid on things here. But I'm not interested in selling a Chinaman Joe Blow's sperm. I've got better things to do with my time.”

Hadlock has also investigated a similarity between great horny yellow toe fungus and the lesser hard cheese family of Eastern Europe. “What keeps me up at night is not trying to figure out where I smelled that before, but why am I noticing this now? Patients are not used to their doctor sniffing around their body, and they can grow very uncomfortable with the sometimes-lengthy procedure. I try like all hell to collect a sense memory as fast as I can. I should just knock 'em out and sniff away. I'm joking, of course.”

Why is he smelling this now? Hadlock speculates that there is a once-dormant component of our DNA that has been switched on. “For food, is my guess. We were put on this planet to be food for somebody, or something. Our DNA alarm clock has sounded, and now, some of us smell like food. I'm not sure if we are supposed to eat each other, or if a freakish, many-mouthed creature is going to plop down on our planet and start feasting. It has got me concerned.”

Funding has been a major stumbling block for Hadlock. Skeptics are quick to call his research anecdotal and hogwash. Useless, even. Hadlock says, “If you don't believe me, ask any adult male you know if his Tinker Teat isn't a little more swollen and tender than usual. Go on, give him a sniff. Then give me a call.”