Ode to Summer

Bill Bangs took advantage of the Indian Summer at CLR Sewage Treatment Facility.
"Just get in here and feel the water. Warm as embryonic fluid and salty as a tear drop. Don't get in there too far though, it's soft toward the middle. Found that out the hard way."

Bangs has been regional manager at CLR for sixteen years, and though he maintains that the water is fine, no one joined him. "Sure, they'll come up for harvest. Everyone comes up for harvest, but this is time to really suck in what the good Lord brought us."

---

Clayville Comments...
Why does Bangs love water, sun and fertilizer so much? Because he's turning into a tomato plant. Just like everyone who picks the "Second Harvest" at CLR Sewage.

Exposure to sewage creates super-immunity to germs and can transform human DNA in unpredictable ways. Anyone who watches science fiction movies knows THAT.

Pat Clapp
Popcorn Manager, Clayville Movie Theatre

Speedo Testing Falls Short

Two subjects, engaged in extreme testing of Speedo diving conditions, discovered that Speedos manufactured in China with inferior thread, tend to loosen upon stress under "irregular environmental conditions."

"Testicular availability of certain males is not always predictable," said Speedo spokesman Marc Sacks. Further voluntary testing on selected Clayville Elementary School subjects has been scheduled. To sign up call 1-800-555-SACK.

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Clayville Comments...

As a member of the Clayville community, my heart swelled to read the report on garment testing. When I was but a lad working with my father in the Clayville garment district, things were not as they are today. Unmentionables were never mentioned, until they slipped out. How many people today know the name Gary Flex? Or Mike Ripper? These men were innovators. Sure, the charcoal underwear pads didn’t take off. Why? Flex and Ripper were blacklisted by the garment industry.

It wasn’t until the annual “My Ass Passes Greenhouse Gasses” awards that these two were recognized. We, as garment makers, stand upon the shoulders of giants like Flex and Ripper. Let’s make sure we’re wearing well-tested, snug undergarments when we do so.

Peppy Rockwell
Top Level Sinchmaster
Garment Makers of Clayville, Local 487

---
Anonymous said...

Nothing seems to pump me up. Tried eating more beans. Driving a fast Corvette. Nothing works. Might as well moonlight testing activewear. Text me 8pm - midnight EST at 804-PEA-NUTS.

NAME WITHHELD

Business: Crankshaw Erect, up and at 'em

Wendy Crankshaw's crack design team at Crankshaw Erect didn't see it coming. "Primarily, we do three-season additions, knock out a wall here or there," Crankshaw said. "When Bruce and Lisa Mooney telephoned, it really took a while for them to tell me just what they wanted."

What the Mooney team wanted, as it turned out, was a medieval design. "I'm not a history buff," Wendy Crankshaw said, "and I really felt like I was reaching. They didn't have much money for the project so we enlisted friends of theirs from upstate who have a similar room.

"There were a few odd experiences, like the time I went over at dusk to inspect the dig. I heard moaning like a cat caught in a foundation hole, but then a voice called out. I don't know what a 'safe word' is, but Bruce and Lisa were in a fierce argument over who forgot it. I built a small kitchen for a church last year. That's more my thing."

CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

Potato Man Jousts

When Bruce and Lisa's pair-skating career went on the skids, they got depressed. All those glittery, stretchy costumes and nowhere to go. Then they discovered the medieval knight/princess thing and started sewing gothic costumes. What's next, lessons in chivalry in the castle addition Wendy's building for them?

Personally, I doubt the marriage will last. Bruce likes dressing up and has perfect hair. AND he wears expensive cologne. AHHHHHHEM.

- just an ordinary Clayville meat & potato man

Read the Label...If You're Able

Ronnie Doup, a familiar fixture on the streets of Clayville for the past twenty years, is on a campaign to inform the public. "Read the label," he said. "Some cans got writing. Read the can. Smell my stick."

People tell his mother Minnie Doup that her son is a poster boy. "I don't know what they're talking about, but thanks to Dr. Howard, I know what 'well ventilated' means. My little Ronnie didn't, and now he sucks on sticks. Used to be logs."

Contributions to WHIFF (Whipping Hazardous Inhaled Fumes Fund) may be sent to Dr. Howard. Please make checks payable to WHIFF.

Clayville Comments...

Doup's parents were furniture refinishers and had cans of paint thinner, stripper, varnish, and shellac all over the place. Doup discovered sniffing at a young age. By ten years old, he couldn't match his socks.

People around Clayville said he was the one who broke into my classroom and stole the plastic recorders because they could "suck as well as they blow." That never really made sense until now.

Mrs. Ellerbee
Clayville Grade School Music Teacher

Man or Machine

Clayville resident Becka Flood was recently mistaken for a robot when she interviewed for a position at PopCo, Incorporated. "I do not understand it," she said. "Initially, I thought they were having some fun with me, but they wouldn't let it go. When they saw the strand of aluminum wire I wear around my neck for good luck, well, they thought they had me dead to rights."

"I've got the G-men on the horn three days out of every week," PopCo Public Relations Director David Smalts said. "Confidential stuff, but it's big. It's a whole new ballgame out there, and PopCo is ready for them."

The Clayville bomb squad was called to the scene, and PopCo was evacuated...with the exception of Flood. "Personally, I think the employees wanted an excuse to blow off work. I mean, really, would a robot have corns on her toes?"

"A really good robot would," Smalts said.


Clayville Comments...


This robot disguise is perfect. Who WOULDN'T trust a plump, middle-aged American woman in an old-fashioned dress? Who DOESN'T expect her to get corns from wearing cheap shoes?

I congratulate the robot's appearance designer. However, I would fire the movement software programmer. Either he has never seen a real woman move or he's drinking too much vodka in the laboratory late at night.

D. W. Pokhilko
FBI Administrative Assistant Trainee
Clayville Community College

Freestyling

Freestyle Frisbee athlete Skip Sanders strutted his stuff on Clayville Greens this past weekend. Sanders, a graduate student in the chemistry department at Clayville Community College, has been tossing the disk since he was a teen. Although some have accused him of getting too big for his britches, others say he fills the bill just fine.

Kate McCall, who enjoyed the show with her three daughters pointed out the highlight of Sanders' routine. "Every time he did that leg kick, he had a little friend play peekaboo, and the crowd would roar."

Clayville Comments...

If Skip went up one size in his running shorts, his peekaboo fans wouldn't get so distracted. Then again, I heard that certain Clayville females are having more fun monitoring the "condition of Skip's pants" then they've enjoyed any other sport.

Fresh Hair & Gossip Salon
"Get your hair fixed and get your kicks"

ACHTUNG!!!

Forged News typesetter, Rose Waddel, has been soaking a vicious hangnail for the past week. Her pus-filled paws have practically mended and more Forged News will be forthcoming.

Danke schön!

Second Harvest

Clayville residents find a late summer bounty at CLR Sewage Treatment Facility.

Polly Biddlecome was next door to ecstatic when her son Dominic discovered a hole in the fencing on the north side of the CLR plant. "He's real good at finding holes. And he's like a water dog around that sludge. Gets in there deep and finds us some pretty good stuff."

When asked what he was doing on the other side of the CLR fence, Clayville resident Booker Clontz waxed nostolgic. "You grow up here, you learn the lullaby, 'And The Seeds Pass Through.'"

And the Seeds Pass Through

From the pumpkin patch, from tomato vines
the seeds pass through, oh the seeds pass through.
You can bite and you can chew
but the seeds pass through, oh the seeds pass through.

Clontz, who has worked as a substitute teacher at Clayville Elementary, explained the curious crop. "The embryo of both the pepper and tomato is covered with endosperm cells and a seed coat called a testa. The human digestive tract can't break down these tough little actors and we end up with second, third, and even fifth harvests. It truly is spectacular to see these plants blossoming into early winter."

CLR public relations manager Gideon Manning expressed concern for the safety of citizens and released his annual statement to the press.

The sludge bed is no place to find food nor folly. If, however, one is dead-set on harvesting crops from the drying and composting beds, please follow these guidelines:

- Stay close to the edge of the sludge bed where the crust is thickest.

- Do not wear snow shoes in an attempt to get farther out. No one can swim while wearing snow shoes.

- The tomato and cucumber vines marked with pink flag-tape are private property.

Manning also reminds citizens that Clayville Fire and Rescue does not perform rescue or resuscitation on crust dippers.


CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

Gross Prophet

Last night I tied a cloth round my nose and put plastik bags over my shoes fore I went. Don't go on a full moon and stay on the edge of the crust or the ghost of sludge will git you. In your next life you'll be a spotted diseesed tomato and poison your momma.

Easha Williams, Fortunes Tole, Palms Red

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CLASSIFIED CLAYVILLE

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Help! Last time I saw my cat he was chasing flies near that pile of crap. Anyone seen a white kitty with blue eyes who answers to the name Stinky?

Kindness Reward: knowing that you made a sweet grandma happy and homemade cookies
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Music: Devil in the Details

Mystery illness strikes concertgoers.

"At first I was having a good time," said local fan Jess Philpot. "I just hit my third cup of Bud, but then it was like I was seeing and hearing things through a tunnel. There was that little dude on stage playing a tiny guitar and looking straight at me. Blossom Rock doesn't have a midget in the band. I know that for sure."

Philpot wasn't the only concertgoer to notice a departure from band's normal set. In fact, over twenty people were treated at Clayville Memorial Hospital for symptoms of borderline psychosis.

"One man told me that his fingers were loose and felt like they were going to fall off," said Dr. Benny Bibb. "I put socks over his hands, but just that made matters worse."

After learning the plight of their fans, Blossom Rock offered to play a free concert.

"Nothin' doing," said Jess Philpot.

CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

XYZPDQ

In conjunction with the Consumer Products Safety Commission, the following notice has been issued:

Lead found in the zippers of imported jeans, when exposed to sweat-soaked skin and beer, causes an invisible, odorless, yet hallucinative gas to be emitted. In lab rats, it is known to cause temporary borderline psychosis. If enough people are close together in a crowded area such as a concert arena, and all the above environmental conditions are met, the resulting gases can cause a disturbance. People who don't wear undergarments underneath their jeans increase their risk of gas emission tenfold.

If this occurs, promptly leave the area and breath in fresh, outside air for five minutes. Please do not remove your jeans, particularly if you meet the undergarmentless condition mentioned above. The Clayville Police are under pressure from the Mayor to reduce the number of indecent exposure arrests this year, a statistic which has been climbing steadily.

Clayville Concert & Beer Hall Administration

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Prophetic Prose

It's like our song, "There's A Devil In My Pants" came true in a totally different, weird kinda way.

Blossom Rock

Life: Fond Hearts Forever

Not one to take "no" for an answer, Brian Greasley quit his job at Tube & Lube to "focus" on the woman who has his heart. "Amy didn't like me following her around at first, but I think she's warming up to the idea."

Greasley said he has nearly five hours of footage of Amy S. "I got a lot of shots of her getting in and out of her car. Now she's running around with umbrellas even on sunny days. Funny woman, but I love her."

Greasley, who has no criminal record, could be slapped with a restraining order, but that is unlikely. Police Sergeant Jeffrey Buys confirmed that he has had his eye on Greasley for a while. "Clayville cops have it covered," Buys said.

Post Script: From The Cheese Block




Forged News caught up with Amy S. at The Cheese Block, where she is a part-time employee. Amy didn't have much to say on the matter, but she did want to clear up a few things. "Just for the record, I never did anything more than offer Mr. Greasley a slice of cheese in a plastic cup from our summer sampler pack. Offering samples is standard practice at The Cheese Block. If I knew that chunk of cheddar would have led to this, I most certainly would have taken my break or made a phone call. Thank God we weren't sampling the summer sausage."


CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

A Tangled Web

Brian wears Spiderman underwear. He lives in his Mom's basement. I've been following Brian since high school. I posted over 100 pictures of him on my website, which I'd give you but it's top secret. But that doesn't mean I love him. He doesn't love Amy either. He's just BORED.

Mindi Schlepp
Clayville Bicycle Mechanic
"Rollin' by the rivah makes me shivah" T-Shirt Artist

FAMILY: Small Fries

It wasn't the first time grandmother Mary Cullens took her grandson David to a fast food restaurant to give his parents time to work on a brother or sister for him.

"It's something I've done for all of my children. In the end, I win. I get more grandchildren, although I really try to avoid eye-contact with them when I drop off the children."

To David Cullens, it's still a mystery. "I don't know why I have to eat cheeseburgers so I can have a baby brother. Last month I had pizza with grandma, and that didn't work. This month I'm eating cheeseburgers. Grandma said we got home too early when we ate pizza."

Mary Cullens said she thought the coast was clear. "I saw my daughter-in-law looking out the kitchen window, so I thought it was safe to go in."


CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

Table for Two

The Cullens' kitchen has seen more action than most peoples' bedrooms. I've repaired their wobbly table three times now. Typical eating won't loosen the screws on table legs that fast — only "recreation" does that.

Need Things Fixed?
Call Johnny-on-the-Spot Repairs
"I'm Your Handy Man"
---
Open Door Policy

Johnny, you're imagining things. The Cullens are boring. Not me! Stop by, honey. I need my pink door fixed.

Trini's Love Shack
Corner of Rickashue & Apple Avenues
Home of Clayville's Famous WaWa Balls

HEALTH: Painting a Way Out

Elmer Poole puts the finishing touches on his painting at The Do-Over House rehabilitation center.

"I came in here three weeks ago," Poole said. "I haven't thought about taking a drink the whole time. I'm ready to go. Somebody call me a cab."

The Do-Over House therapist Benjamin Feely expressed his elation with Poole's quick turnaround. "It seems to be the way of The Do-Over House. A lot of clients come through those doors, but not many find comfort in our beds," Feely explained.

"Once I got in here we were flipping clients faster than pancakes on a hot griddle. Easy in, fairly easy out. It's better that way, no one has to know."

Feely, who sports a black T-shirt with white lettering that reads OFUGFU (Only F*ck Ups Get F*cked-Up), said he is currently merchandising an entire line of OFUGFU products with artwork created by the residents. "One day OFUGFU will be a household word."


CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

Elmer's nickname used to be "Martini" with his buddies. We'll have to come up with a new one now that he's clean. As Elmer's oldest pal, I'll try to yell "oh, fugfu!" instead of my usual. At first people will think I'm speaking Japanese but fugfu it – who cares?

Butch Dauzat
Gentlemen's Poker Club Manager
(We don't play bingo, girls!)

Education: Finding a Common Denominator

This fall Clayville Central welcomes back its very own Mike Edgars. Superintendent Bob Speed believes this will be a banner year for Clayville academics. "Edgars has an advanced college degree. Heck, for a few years there we were thinking about going the way of the Catholic schools and letting anybody teach."

Edgars apparently made his decision to return to Clayville after visiting his mother, who was briefly hospitalized after kicking a couch. Who else should happen to be in that hospital but Bob Speed. "I locked eyes with Mike and he wouldn't look away. Finally I said, 'I know you.' Then he said, 'No you don't.' We got it all ironed out though."

Baseball coach Drew Corns was less enthusiastic about Speed's decision to hire Edgars. "Teaching? I don't see it. The whole family has anger management problems--used to throw peanuts at my ballplayers."

Edgars will be teaching Intro to Math and Advance Mathematics. He declined our request for an interview.

CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

The Eyes Have It

Edgars wants his students to think he's mean like his Dad was so they'll listen. But back in college I saved Mike from hiself. He was too smart to be cool. He scared me with all those baby animal posters he put up. So I had to stop that mess an teach him the "evil stare" you see in the photo. But God, please don't make brotha laugh. He giggles like a beach.

Geetar Jones, Teacher
Clayville Dance Studio

---
A Good Offense

I take personal offence at what Bob Speed said about the Catholic Schools. I had good Teachers that did alot for us. I wood like to see Mister Speed learn some manners. I geuss they do not teach that in Pubic Schools.

Robbin Dander


CLASSIFIED CLAYVILLE

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BUSINESS MATTERS: Christmas in July Swings at Pendulum Investiments

"First thing I heard was glass bottles clanging together," Pendulum Investments employee Kevin Foster said. "Then Al Blander, our senior manager, fiddled with a portable cassette player. Listening to that Chestnuts Roasting song while Blander scratched himself in his Santa suit, well, it wasn't much like Christmas."

Receptionist Ginny Cole expressed concern for some of the younger employees. "I'm older. I know how to handle myself in this type of situation. I wouldn't sit down to tell Santa what I wanted for Christmas, even if he had his hands tied behind his back and a big slab of plywood on his lap. And that's what I told him. Boy did that light [Blander's] fuse. Then he started up with that 'Ho, Ho, Ho. Any Ho will do' routine. Give it a rest already."

For the past six years Blander has filled the holiday weekend position of Santa Claus the Engineer on Santa's Tiny Train in the Greater Clayville Mall. Last year, while testing the locomotive's limits, Blander derailed the the Tiny Train. The engine and two occupied passenger cars rolled off the tracks at turn number three near the candle kiosk. Blander received only a warning from mall security.

Pendulum Investments employee Kevin Foster went on to say that the gift exchange was a success...for a while. "I got this excellent single serving coffee maker with a bean grinder in the exchange, but Blander kept trying to make the Irish Coffees faster and faster. I told him it wasn't made to do that. You can't pour whiskey in the water reservoir. He told me to shut up and then he threw the bean grinder at the microwave oven and stormed out of the break room."

Employees had hidden Blander's car keys, forcing him to hitchhike for an impromptu visit to Childrens' Hospital. Bill McKinney brought a stool to the curb for Blander, who experienced difficulty getting a ride.

"I guess his heart was in the right place, but he really did smell like an old boot," McKinney said. "It didn't help that he was yelling at the passing cars."

CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

Jingle All the Way

I saw "Santa" sitting on the side of the road with a sign that said NEED RIDE TO CHILDRENS HOSPITAL so I told him to get in my truck. After three blocks, I made him sit in back because I couldn't breathe with the stink coming off him. After I rounded a corner too fast, he pounded on the rearview window to show me his bare head. I guess the wind blew his hat and wig off but we found them on Pea Street. Then I took him home because he was in no shape to see kids and needed a bath and some Irish coffee. I'd leave my name but not being nice to "Santa" might make kids hate me. I really am sorry about the whole thing.

EDUCATION: Teachers in Tandem

Clayville Central High School has announced an addition to the faculty of its Department of Classical Languages. Superintendent Bob Speed is pleased with the catch. "Raymond and Margaret Podlack are a welcome addition to the school's staff. With our budget, we're lucky to have them. I'll be interested to see how this tandem-teaching method of theirs works out. Two teachers for the price of one, though, you can't beat."

The Podlacks are relocating from the northern region. "We're entrenched in history, not geography," Raymond Podlack said. "I'll pick up and go and think nothing of it. As long as I've got my Maggie and little Miss Maggie--our miniature schnauzer--I'm complete."

After college the Podlacks held a variety of jobs outside the field of education. "I'm not embarrassed to say I bathed dogs for a year and a half while Raymond completed correspondence courses," Margaret Podlack said. "Dog oil really stays with you. You should smell my hands."

Margaret maintains that their tandem-teaching method is great for the students and their marriage. "It's the love of language that brought us together in the wild and keeps us together in the classroom. We want to share that love with the kids. We're both Latin lovers, but sometimes Raymond leans more toward Greek...so the kids will have their eyes opened to the plethora of options available to them."

Clayville Central High School classes resume Tuesday, September 4. Space in the Podlacks' classes is limited. Interested parties are encouraged to register early and to bring a permission slip.

CLAYVILLE CENTRAL HIGH COMMENTS...

These teachers are too pale to be latin lovers. Maybe a little more sun and they could act it out for the class.

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Can students wear costumes? That would be COOL. If you have a lisp can you still learn how to pronouse Latin and Greek words out loud without being laffed at? Fred Litsey, Clayville Central student

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Raymond Podlack Responds
First, thanks for the great letters! The kids are certainly a motivating factor in our pursuits, and to see them so actively concerned with the upcoming school year is very encouraging.

To answer the first comment: we have had a wonderful summer with plenty of sunshine in our lives. You might not recognize us on the streets of Clayville, but we're here, and we are very tan.

As for Fred's question: not only will you be allowed to wear period clothing in the classroom, you will be required to! If you are using the school's remote class enrollment feature, remember to include your hat size. Do not include your ears in the measurement.

Believe it or not, I too once had a speech impediment. Bring yours to class and we'll work on it together. A big bonus with Latin is that we rarely speak it.

We are all looking forward to a great year ahead of us at Clayville Central!

Amo, Amas, Amat,
Raymond & Margaret Podlack

SPORTS: Better Late than Never

Clayville's Eastend Redstars finally get their hats.
Redstars Coach Charles Farnsworth was quick to point out that he left instructions for his temporary replacement, Kenny Perkins, where to pick up the team's hats.

Redstars standout, Timmy Wallace, offered his opinion. "We were already playing games without our hats when coach Farnsworth went on his dumb vacation. My dad said Farnsworth turned in the order late."

Kenny Perkins, who spoke with Forged News on the telephone from New York City, admitted he added to the delay. "Oh, I picked up the hats from the back of a broken down van. They were soaking wet. You know what I did? I took them straight home and bleached the funk right out of them. Those hats were pink when I finished. None of the kids wanted to be on the Southend Pinkstars, or whatever they were called. Eastend. Right here on the hats. Duh."

Perkins claims to have donated the pink hats to charity. He added that he paid for the replacement hats, only it took a little convincing to get his mother to agree to it. "She's already backed several of my shows. She says I've got a heart of gold, but a head of lead. Isn't that marvelous? You bet I'm using that line!"

Perkins is currently raising funds for an Off-Broadway production he co-authored with his long-time writing partner Boris Gun. "Yes, the working title is 'In the Pink,' and we do wear pink ball caps for a the last few numbers, but I can assure you they are not the Redstars'."

The Eastend Redstars close their season in the basement of their division this Saturday afternoon at Phillips Park when they play Big Ed's Muffler Shoppe.

CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...


Perkins' claims that the pink hats in his off-broadway show are not the ones he "rescued" from the back of a van in the rain and had to bleach the "funk" out of? Here's a hint: Perkins is a storyteller. Like his sincerity, his off-broadway production spins off into universes undiscovered and truth unknown.

---

Perkins has a wild imagination, but he's a good assistant coach. At least he has the spitting and swearing down pat. Hope it's not an act. I want to think that his heart's in it for the good of the kids that need to burn off all their pent-up energy before they drive their tired parents crazy.
Mr. Wallace (Timmy's Dad)

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10% of males are either gay or bisexual from birth and wearing pink hats won't change that. Who said pink was a girl's color anyway? My life partner says I look fabulous in it.
Bobbie Bell, Rainbow Drag Show Coalition Founder

BUSINESS: Buying Big & Looking Small

A new study out by Whiteboard America reveals that up to 75% of whiteboard space is never used.

"I think it comes down to greed," Whiteboard America spokesman Dean Blackman said. "If they want a giant board, we'll sell it to them. I only ask that [the buyer] consider how ill-prepared they'll look when they have utilized only a little patch of the board for a presentation."

Blackman, who has been with WA for seven years, heads the marketing, and research and development departments. "You get a board too big and you really have trouble drawing a pie chart," he said. "Your pie ends up looking like an egg, and you end up with that egg on your face." Whiteboard America sells a large compass and cut-out templates to facilitate drawing pie- and bar-charts on the large boards.

"Our customers are wart-prone ninnies," Blackman continued, "the type that make warm puddles when creativity is called upon. You can print that, because they don't read."

Blackman mentioned that his art show, "Holes in My Head," opens this weekend at the Dragon Café. "My sculpture-paintings are on the wall near the pastry case. This year I hung them high enough to prevent people from picking at them."

CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

Checkmate

Just because I prefer looking at insects under a magnifying glass to filling up a whiteboard with fancy thoughts doesn't make me a dork. The punks in high school like Blackman really do have holes in their head. Want proof? I play cool loud music in my Mom's living room as soon as she leaves the house every morning. Does anyone in town want to trade for ABBA records? I need new tunes.

Dirk Datovech, Chess Champion

---
Check, Please

Blackman has been creepy since high school. He stole mustard and ketchup from the cafeteria to use in his artwork. That's why people pick at his sculpture. They wonder if it's edible. Plus let's face it, the waitresses at the Dragon Café are so slow you could eat your shoe waiting.

Trash Train Keeps on Rollin'

Clayville will once again host the Trash Train as it makes its way through the city, where it will unload at Lucky's Landfill. Hugh Bucco, owner of Lucky's Landfill, has put a twist on things this year. However, some are asking if Bucco had a stroke of genius or merely a stroke when he initiated a treasure hunt at the dump.

Bucco maintains that he is trying to get people to change the way they look at garbage and maybe find some treasure while they’re at it. “Take the fuss over Styrofoam in the dump, for example. Pop your head in a bag of pricey potting soil and you’ll see little Styrofoam balls. They keep the soil from getting packed down. Hell’s bells, Clayville should be paying us for improving the soil!”

Activities will get under way at 10 a.m. this Saturday with an all-volunteer police-whistle band accompanying Derek Bucco on drums, as his sister Lucinda Bucco twirls her baton and performs her famous dirt splits.

Following the introductory ceremonies, attendees will be assigned to a heap of garbage on the Trash Train where they may pick, pry, and dig until noon. If picking and prying isn't your style, Lucky's Landfill will offer face-painting, balloon puppets, and an all-you-can-eat cotton candy & potato salad booth.

After the Trash Train has been emptied and hosed out, attendees are invited to ride the train for a brown-bag picnic where the Bucco siblings will perform impromptu skits relating to life at the dump. Audience participation is strongly encouraged.

The train will depart Historic Clayville Crossing for Lucky's Landfill at 4 p.m.


CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...
Lucky Like Dawn

Dawn Teeter told me she actually dug up an engagement ring under a pile of dog bones! Who knows how it got there. Maybe a long time ago some girl threw it at her fiance's dog when he canceled the wedding and he ate it. Dogs will even eat their own poop.

I wish I was lucky like Dawn. This year I found a plate with an angel on it that I thought was worth a lot. The antique dealer said it was junk because the mark on the back was spelled POORCILIN instead of PORCELAIN. Better luck next year, I guess.

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Remains of the Dump

Don't forget that If human (not dog) bones are found amongst the rubble to call Clayville Police immediately. Evidence will be sent for forensic DNA testing. If the bones are linked to the missing Clayville dentist, you may be due the reward that was generously and anonymously offered. Happy digging, Clayville!

NOTICE

Forged News has been closed for post-4th cleaning, restocking, and inventory. Expect a Tuesday edition, but don't hold your breath.

The Forged News employee who mistook Mark Bingham's bologna sandwich for his/her own is asked to replace it this Wednesday. Mark likes a little mustard on his meat, but nothing "fancy or brown."

Janitor Bill Wade has found an inordinate number of socks and other items "jammed behind the toilets," and asks that, in the future, employees and their guests use the trash receptacles for a change. "People should treat the bathroom with respect," Wade said.

Teddy Frisk from accounting has cleaned and alphabetized items in the mini-fridge. "Smells like a swimming pool now," Frisk said. "We should really be ready to go this time tomorrow...unless that cow in circulation gets her hooves in there."



CLASSIFIED CLAYVILLE
Personals
Whoever stole Mark's sandwich better go to the grocery tonight for bologna. Binghams's wife Betty has Mark on a strict budget and the poor bloke only has enough cash to ride the bus to work. If I hear his stomach rumble at lunchtime again in the cube next to mine I will go insane.

PS - Teddy from accounting is a love. Who else would scrape all that gunk off our scummy shelves? Does anyone think it's too soon after his wife's funeral for him to start dating?

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4th of JULY EVENTS EXTEND to 5th

Flanagan Bros. Fireworks Company is under investigation this morning after several of last night's explosions got out of control. According to witnesses, the fireworks display was nothing more than two or three Roman candles and various containers filled will gasoline, which were ignited by 2nd Class Wickmaster Paul "Lefty" Flanagan. Several spectators witnessed some of the younger Flanagan family members siphoning gasoline out of nearby cars.

More Bang for Your Buck?
"Hey, every year the crowd wants bigger and better," a senior Flanagan said. "That's what we deliver. This is how they do it in Hollywood, and they pay big bucks for it."

Safety First
Mr. Safety (Richard Templeton), has petitioned Clayville City Council for years to stop the fireworks show. In place of live explosives, Templeton has proposed a slide show with audio accompaniment and narration. "There are more than enough photographs of fireworks floating around this town. I see no need to endanger Clayville citizens and their property with this live-fire exercise that serves no purpose other than to excite the stupid and upset the feeble."

AROUND TOWN: Pool Party on the 4th!

The Clayville Citizens for Incontinence Awareness will host an Independence Day party at Clayville Community Pool.

Pool Administrator Bob Alviral welcomes all. "This thing isn't limited to CIA members. What are you waiting for? Come on over and get your feet wet with the gang."

SOCIETY: CUTTING a PATH

They are dedicated, confident, and the number-one buyers of disposable lighters.

Ricky Wonder and Debbie D. are just two of the many rockers who live on the edge of polite society. However, despite their wild ways, they aren't that different from most people.

"We're not superheroes or anything," Wonder said. "We get sick just like everybody else, and we shop for groceries just like everybody else." He turned to Debbie D., and together they enthusiastically said, "but we rock out like nobody else!"

When asked why they would choose such a lifestyle, Wonder held up his right fist and, wiggling his pinkie and index fingers, said that he didn't choose to have fingers on his hands, "But I got 'em. I came out of my mom kicking and screaming, and that's the way I'll go to my grave."

"We want the same things out of life that everybody else does," Debbie D. said.

"Mostly," Wonder added.

CITIZEN'S ARREST FOILED

Twelve-year-old Tommy Doup and his younger brother, nine-year-old Bert, didn't know they were breaking a federal law on Friday, but senior citizen Wayne Hillier did.

"I saw the boys right off Clayville Crossing. My first concern was their safety. Kids shouldn't play near the railroad tracks. It's a good way to get torn up."

The Doup brothers had laid down a row of pennies on the track for the train to flatten. "Other kids do it all the time. Then that old weirdo came over and grabbed at us with his long fingernails. I got a big scratch on my arm."

Hillier said, "I was looking out for the kids, and the pennies. Do you know it is a federal offense to destroy U.S. currency? No? Seems like nobody enforces any law these days."

The younger Doup tried to fend off Hillier using Karate. Hillier said, "It was like trying to rescue an animal that has been hit by a car. It's the last time I try to teach the rats a lesson."

Camp Clayville Gets State & Fed OK

4-H Camp Clayville gets go-ahead from state and federal agencies to open.


Campers and parents were delighted to learn that Leechers Lake got the all-clear from both hazardous waste agencies--a first in the Lake's history. In the past, Leechers Lake has produced higher-than-acceptable levels of PCBs and Kepone.

Ed Houser, who has overseen the management of the lake for thirty-five years, maintains that the lake is safe "as long as the kids don't dive too deep and disturb the bottom mud." When asked about eating the fish caught in the Lake, Houser said that most of the fish stay close to the surface and should be fine for eating.

CITIZEN ALERT: Blimp is NOT Enemy

Reminder for all Clayville residents and their guests...

This weekend the Goodyear Blimp will pass over the city. Residents are asked to refrain from shooting at it.

Reuben Cotter has piloted the blimp for over ten years. "Some people think because it's up in the air like that, that there aren't people inside. Nimrods fire guns at the blimp, shoot fireworks and model rockets at her, and even encourage their children to throw rocks. Sometimes after I land I'm greeted by a crackpot yelling, 'Oh, the humanity.' It gets old."

Cotter said he has had Clayville marked on his map of dangerous fly-zones for several years. "I don't want to incite anyone, but we do catch the most flak from the Clayville area. I plan to empty my black water holding tank over the community pool if the residents give me any trouble."

Last year Police Sergeant Jeffrey Buys reported eight car wrecks. "People hop in the car and chase the blimp. They get really torked out of shape when that thing is in the sky. Some make a real day out of it, tossing in a beer cooler and bottle rockets. I guess it's good practice." Buys also said that, should Cotter empty his toilet water over the community pool, he'd have hell to pay. "There are plenty of places in Clayville to dump, places where it wouldn't matter, but the community pool, well that's a soft target as far as I'm concerned. Maybe I'll take a shot at the thing myself--I'm kidding."

Clayville Comments...

The choice is clear, Clayville. Resist the thrill of targeting the blimp in your cross hairs. OK, target it in your cross hairs. Drink a beer. Then drink another. But don't shoot. And for Christ sake, don't drive.

Instead, walk down the street to the pool and jump in. Remember, this summer's percentage of urine content (the result of leaky toddler pull-ups and teenagers on dope) has been greatly reduced due to the thorough cleaning process instituted by new management.

But a blimp dump would present a real problem.

Bob Alviral, Pool Administrator
Bebe Alviral, Certified Splash Therapist

IN MEMORIAM: Oliver Kessler

Popular waterfowl Oliver the Duck died this past week. Oliver, who was well known at local schools and senior homes, was twenty-three.

Gertrude Kessler, who raised Oliver from an egg, said he lived a fuller life than most humans. "Crazy, how attached you get. That boy was my family. You know they don't have a sphincter muscle where it counts, so they can't be potty trained. Dear old thing would waddle up to me for his pre-dinner squeezing."

Kessler, a born problem-solver, devised a compression method that involved a beach towel and a special constrictor knot. This effectively emptied the duck and reduced accidents during dinner. "My proper table was set with bone china, sterling silver, white linen, and two or three ducks."

Kessler taught Oliver to hold a crayon in his beak and draw. He had several cartoons that ran in a Siberian newspaper and one local art exhibit that garnered national media attention.

"I think what I'd like to hear when I pass through the pearly gates is: Squeeze your duck and please be seated at the table."

Clayville Comments...

Oliver had a sister named Olive, who had baby ducks Dora, Ducky, and Dicky. One of the three escaped and it was hard to tell them apart. But they think it was Dicky, due to the black spot on his hindquarters.

Anyways, old man Gonzy that was always hungry for fresh bird, shot and kilt Dicky. You could smell that greesy duck cooking on his barbeque for miles.

Thank heaven Gertrude's eyes are too blind to read this. She never got to hold Dicky like she did Oliver.

LEISURE: Snoozer or Loser

Man asks doctor to induce coma for upcoming family vacation.

Brock Weller admits asking his doctor for a knockout pill to "ease him through" vacation.

"Don't get me wrong," Weller said, "I love my family, but I strongly feel that the words 'vacation' and 'family' should be far apart from each other."

Weller cited past "vacations" in which his daughter Kaitlin's pet gerbil was smuggled aboard and urinated under the car seats, his son Greg's poor handling of puberty fetched nasty comments from lifeguards at the beach, and his wife Ellen's aggressive insistence on tipping only ten percent at restaurants left Weller with severe pain in his right eye.

"I wasn't brought up that way. I always tip twenty percent, even if the service is lousy. And there is nothing worse than a chubby pubescent boy in a Speedo playing with a gerbil. I'd rather sleep through the whole thing, it is just the way I'm put together."

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HAPPY ADS

HAPPY FATHERS DAY to FOS Media Group mogul Glen Fouts.

In a sense, we are all your children.

-The Forged News staff.

Camptown Ladies Sing This Song

4-H Camp Clayville got off to a rocky start this past weekend as future campers were plucked from Leechers Lake and used as laborers. During the orientation weekend, over twenty campers were taken to Camp Sergeant Dirk Freewood's home where they weeded his wife's garden and cleaned up "a lot of gross stuff" from inside the couple's home.

Freewood said the program, Build a Better Nest, was designed to teach the children how to successfully manage a home on their own. "Besides," Freewood said, "they didn't even do a good job."

Kathy Martin, whose daughter Tammy is a veteran camper, said, "There's a lot worse things that could happen to a kid. I just hope they was wearing thick rubber gloves and boots."

Camp Clayville officially opens next Monday.

CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

Thanks to Sergeant Dirk, I learned how to clean rubber sheets and clogged drains. I am now a certified Martha Stewart stinkologist. I can identify and exterminate the source of any stinky problem before it blossoms into a crisis.

Is there more to camping than cleaning? You tell me.

Signed,
Former 4-H Camper

Entertainment Calendar: Mr. Safety to Strut Stuff

Mr. Safety, who coined the phrase "If it ain't broke, it will be," presents his one-act play, "The Catastrophic Kitchen," next Wednesday at Riverdam Elementary School.

The show will be held in Crane Auditorium at 1:00 p.m. Following the performance, warm milk and no-bake soft cookies will be served.

Perhaps best known for his dramatic 1995 skit "The Menacing Lawnmower," which won a national Safebody award, Mr. Safety (Richard Templeton) has led a rather obscure existence, one that many say has bordered on reclusive.

Mr. Templeton has requested that there be no flash photography, and that applause and laughter be held until the curtain closes.


CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

Mr. Safety knows where every fire hydrant in Clayville is, better than any dog. He told me on our first date 40 years ago. He was meticulous about condom usage, even back in the sexual heyday of the 60's. Mr. Safety would never say, "accidents will happen" but always "accidents CAN'T happen." But I digress.

He's a fascinating, talented man. He's reclusive because he's a germaphobe. He smells like Dial soap. Poor guy – giant lifelike germs haunt his dreams.

At the play, I might be in the back row wearing a wig and thick glasses and dabbing my misty eyes with an embroidered handkerchief. But I might not.

CONCERNED

Dear Cromwell,

I know some secrets about Clayville town officials. It involves monkeys and things no lady should ever witness. It may even be linked to unsolved area crimes.

Should I tell the paper or keep quiet? The thing is, if I tell Forged News how I got the information, they'll ask me how I know. I would have to admit to wiretapping, peeping into windows, and a lot of tiptoeing around.

Some of what I did might be considered illegal. But then again, journalists are inquisitive so they'll understand why I like nosing around, right?

Signed,
Concerned Clayville Citizen

PS - I see you buying a lot of pantyhose at Nerk's Grocery. Are they REALLY for your wife or do the clerks suspect that you're a cross-dresser?

Dear Concerned:

Citing the Code of Clayville, Section 2.189: No circus animal, or derivative thereof, shall be used in deciding matters of public interest.

If the scene you believe you witnessed was relevant to the decision making process that would affect the public, you might have a case for the courts. If the officials and monkeys were merely engaged in merrymaking, please send the information to Forged News, c/o Entertainment. Gary would love to have some new material on his desk. You will remember he wrote the piece on the chimpanzee opera.

You do not have to worry your head with proof of your accusations. Forged News does not require source materials--our fact-checker has been asleep at the wheel for years, making it much easier for us to meet deadlines.

Regarding the clerks at Nerk's, I'll hold to my credo: Wear a 'stach and pay cash. Also, I can tell you that my purchases are primarily for Mayor Todd Ramsey's "Hose the Homeless" campaign.

- Cromwell

Need your nut cracked? Send questions to:
Cromwell@ForgedMagazine.com

Cromwell got on the bus, but will return next Friday.
Need your nut cracked? Send questions to:
Cromwell@ForgedMagazine.com

ANNOUNCEMENT: Mountian Retreat Schedule

Forged News annual mountain retreat is on schedule. FOS Media founder Glen Fouts will NOT be permitted to drive the bus this year, even for "just a little stretch."

The Forged News Bus will depart Clayville for THE SHAKES Cabins & Cots at noon on Sunday and return Friday evening. The bus may or may not be air conditioned, so dress with that in mind.

A bucket lunch of free-grab peanuts and pickles will be provided on the bus. Draft beer will be available at the back of the bus and monitored by Rodney, who will also preform pump-duty and provide his unique kazoo music. Restroom stops will be decided by committee. Non-drinking passengers and children may not vote.

This year please do not leave unsupervised minors with THE SHAKES employees, or Mr. Fouts.

Schedule as Follows (ALL items subject to change):

Sunday: Arrive at THE SHAKES. Sing-Along with "Mountain Maniac" Bucky Dinger. Volleyball, arm wrestling, and weasel toss. Free body scan for ticks and leeches at THE SHAKES bait shop.

Monday: Bus trip to Smoke Hole Cavern. Eat at Lunch on the Rim. Dinner: Cookout.

Tuesday: Fishing and Swimming in cold mountain creek. Beer Bottle Shooting & Turkey Call Lessons. Dinner: Cookout. Pie eating contest.

Wednesday: Return to Smoke Hole Cavern for private out-of-bounds tour. Dinner: Cookout with special SHAKES baked beans.

Thursday: Sack race. Dinner: Cookout. Final free body scan for ticks and leeches at THE SHAKES bait shop. Early to bed.

Friday: Homeward Bound!

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Forged News Staffers Wish A
Happy Birthday
to
Bill Jones

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POLICE BEAT UPDATE

Clayville Police Department to Offer Incentives

Responding to a community call for action, Police Sergeant Jeffrey Buys has initiated the Eyes, Ears, & Balls program, calling on concerned citizens to patrol their neighborhoods.

After passing an oral exam, applicants will be issued a paintball gun and a 100-round pod of paintballs filled with dye. The dye, similar to that used in exploding dye-packs by banks, is extremely difficult to wash off clothing, bricks, and common house-pets.

Buys also has a sister-program in the works for less-mobile citizens: Crooks-4-Beer. "You hand us a bad guy, we'll hand you a cold one." The program, while still in its infancy, has netted at least one criminal. "In theory," Buys said, "you could sit on your porch all day long and have the police deliver ice-cold beer. That's a theory I think most people can live with."

POLICE BEAT

Man found squeezing Bob Evans Original Recipe Roll Sausage into coin returns in West Clayville.
Bryan Nolan, age 26, told police that he was attempting to save a little lady from making a big mistake.

Nolan first drew the attention of West Clayville residents by intently watching people at pay phones and outdoor vending machines. Nerks Grocery clerk Brandy Prosser was one of the many who called police. “I saw him creeping around a couple of other places besides here. Then he found a stick that he was always whapping against stuff. It wasn't like normal loitering.”

Police Sergeant Jeffrey Buys said Nolan repeatedly asked him what he thought was a "good car" and what product would remove stains from the Playmate cooler he was carrying at the time of his arrest.

“We've got a lot of unsolved crimes here,” Buys said, “and this guy is definitely a person of interest.”

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In Bookstores Spring 2008 from Lyons Press

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# ISBN-13: 978-1599210520

CLASSIFIEDS

HELP WANTED
Good with details?
Clayville Water and Sewer Department (WASD) is looking for an apprentice to Master Hole Inspector.

Applicant will have valid driver's license and long arms. Ability to duck-walk a plus.

We promote from within. Too many fringe benefits to list!


REPLY HW2999

--

EVENTS
Hot Dog Eating Contest
The Dawg Box on South Main Street will hold its second annual hot dog eating contest. Kevin Foster and Rodney Shrimplin are reminded of the restraining order. This year all hot dogs will be held at room temperature, and the Clayville EMT will monitor the event.

--

CROSSED WIRES
You were wearing a soiled pink halter top and fingering the payphone coin return slot outside Nerks Grocery. I told you about a practical joke kids play by jamming dog-do in the coin return. You left. Lets get this ironed out.
REPLY MS3329

TECHNOLOGY: A Hip Pocket Phone

Gary Tipton finally said to hell with selecting a new cell phone and complicated plan.

"I went to the store and said I wanted to upgrade my phone because I couldn't get service anywhere on the damn thing. This pasty toad tells me my phone is analog, and that analog is being phased out. I was in that store for an hour. That was when it hit me. I need a drink."

Tipton returned home without a new phone. "This is the prototype," he said holding up a broken cell phone duct-taped to a flask. "I call it the Flask Phone, made to fit in your back pocket. I already got a good bit invested in it." Tipton demonstrated the drinking feature of the phone.

"After I got back from the phone store I had myself a couple of stiff ones. Then I took that damn phone and smashed it on the sidewalk. It was like that TV commercial. I stood there with my flask in one hand and the cell phone on ground. You got your cell phone in my peanut butter." Tipton plans on letting the techheads do the fine tuning.

"I figure you gotta give on size one way or another. You want more booze or more phone? The choice is yours. You get bad news, good news? Unscrew the top and drown your sorrows or celebrate."

A full line of Flask Phones(TM) is scheduled to hit stores early this fall, pending FCC approval.

LIFE: Mother's Day Reality Check

For many mothers, this day is one that finds mom standing in line at the local Waffle Shack wondering if that greeting card filled with words never uttered by a human was even read by her husband or children.

"For all the glorious things you do, mother."
Well, Captain Skidmarks and his little crew of skid-ettes have a wake up call coming on Monday, because mother is not washing their dirty pants on Sunday.

BUSINESS: FOS Media Makes a Move

FOS Media has acquired Forged Magazine.

In what some are calling a bold move, FOS Media founder Glen Fouts has decided to push forth with the re-launch of Forged Magazine.

"I got a lot on my plate," Fouts said, "but I'm working my way through." He patted is belly and laughed.

Fouts went on to say that he has been working on the re-launch for some time now, and he expects to have the first new issue out as early as this summer, maybe sooner. "Getting this issue to press has been like squeezing eggs out of a snapping turtle," he said.

SPORTS: Dancing on the Ballfield

Former Dance Instructor to Coach Little League.
While head coach Charles Farnsworth is on vacation with his family, Kenny Perkins, a director, performer, and former dance instructor whose résumé includes several local and out-of-state dinner theater productions, will fill the coaching position for the Eastend RedStars.

"I'm playing it like a part, but there's no script! This is a real by-the-seat-of-my-pants production. To be perfectly honest, I don't know thing one about baseball today. Used to be baseball was about a sloppy wiener and a bucket of beer. I don't know what these kids expect from me."

Right fielder Timmy Wallace was confused by the decision for Perkins to coach. "Yeah, I don't know what he means when he tells us to get out there and give them that old razzle dazzle. I need to know where to stand in the outfield."

Other players are having difficulty with the coaching change. RedStars slugger Billy Danner also questions Perkins' coaching style. "He always tells us to bunt. I don't want to bunt, but he tells everyone to bunt. I think he just likes saying bunt, because he always laughs after he says it."

The Eastend RedStars host Mama Mia's Bigdogs this Saturday at 3 p.m. at Phillips Park.

"I've got butterflies," Perkins said. "But come heck or high water, this show will go on."

POLICE BEAT

Man Defends Skink at Local Pet Palace

Two unidentified adult males got into a heated argument after one of the men tapped on a skink aquarium.

Store manager Mike Chow said the glass is clearly labeled. "It says, 'Do not tap on glass.'

"I asked the man in the handicap scooter to stop tapping, but he said the lizard was dead. The lizard wasn't dead. Then that little man with a knife on his belt came over and started yelling at the guy. They reminded me of baboons, the way they made high-pitch howls at each other."

Chow, who has been with Pet Palace for just over a year, said he doesn't understand why people have to tap on the glass. "They all do it. Soon as they come through the front door the knuckles come out. Some use their class ring or wedding ring, and I saw one old man use a penny. They seem to head toward the aquariums with the signs posted.

"If there is one thing I've learned on this job, it's that I really don't like people very much."

ADVICE from Cromwell

Perplexed

Dear Cromwell:
Last night after I returned from a late meeting, I caught my wife baring her teeth and growling into the bedroom mirror. She was dressed in her evening robe, her hair perfectly brushed, but she was wearing a pair of my work shoes. When I asked her what she was doing, she mumbled something about self-defense and climbed directly into bed.

I tried to laugh it off, but I can't help feeling like she's hiding something.

What should I do?

-Perplexed


Perplexed:
Finding an enemy in the mirror is often the first sign that the spit has hit the skillet.

Buy that woman a cuckoo clock, wind it up until the spring breaks and get out of Dodge.
- Cromwell

Questions for Cromwell? Send them to: forgednews@yahoo.com

EDUCATATION: Pudding Pants

Clayville Elementary on Heightened Alert

Late this morning a male student stopped in the hallway outside the Clayville Elementary school cafeteria to fart. According to fellow classmate Ginny Kempler, the boy grabbed her forearm in the hallway and grunted, but when she didn’t hear anything come out, she grew worried. “His face looked weird, like he was scared, and it sure got stinky around him,” she said. “I’m not used to people acting like that. My father is a very good man. He would never hold me to do that.”

Apparently, there was no accomplice. The school's janitor, identified only as Fast Eddie, ruled out the pull-my-finger routine early in his investigation of the incident.

“Yeah, I seen this kind of stuff before. One-man operation. I cleaned up worse, too. In my day we called it Pudding Pants. It’s when the pink winker don’t catch it in time.

“Poor kid was pretty broken up about the whole thing, so I didn’t push him too much. Plus, they don't like me talking to the kids. My heart really goes out to him. I been there.”

The school's principal, Jennifer Marsh, said the boy was a fine student and she didn’t see any reason for this to be a mark on his permanent record. She went on to say, that while they don’t wiretap their telephone lines, [most school employees] loiter near the telephone area and often pick up bits of conversations.

“[The boy] was crying a little when he spoke to his mother over the phone,” Mrs. Marsh said. “Then he explained the problem. He said he put too much confidence in a fart. Personally, I think he was trying to impress that Kempler girl and threw caution to the wind.” Marsh laughed. "He made an impression on that girl alright."

School counselors interviewed Ginny Kempler and several classmates who came on the scene, but they refused to comment, citing privacy laws.

With outstretched arms, standing the pine-scented hallway, Fast Eddie bellowed, “Where’s my counselor?” He smiled. "I'm kidding. This is exactly what I signed on for."

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MILESTONES: Inventor Clarence Yarmen

Clarence Yarmen, inventor of the toe knuckle razor, the electric door knocker, and countless other niche devices, passed away at his home on Saturday following an accident in his garage.

Shortly after high school Yarmen spent some time in the US Navy. Friends called him a man with an independent mind and a true freethinker.

"He dug through garbage. That's how I met him so many years ago," neighbor Seth Greenburg said. "I looked out the window to see him pulling apart my old Eureka vacuum cleaner. Strange sight, but we got used to it."

His neighbors had mixed emotions about the ever-changing display of noisy robots on his front lawn. Most of Yarmen's robots were constructed of steel drums and metal ductwork, but some of the more elaborate "females" had loud speakers and could move their arms and shoot fireworks into the street.

Yarmen wrote and performed plays with the robots, which were linked to microphones and controls inside his living room. The neighborhood broadcast of his Christmas play, "Fistfight at the Manger," caused some outrage in the community several years ago.

Nancy Slade led a failed campaign to evict the robots. "That play, it was something else. No reason to make robots cuss during Christmastime. And those wrestling girl robots looked obscene. Pure trash. The end was the worst part.

"Oh, he calmed down for a while," Slade said. "He dressed robots like farmers and smashed up mailboxes that he dressed like chickens, but he didn't fool me."

Clarence Yarmen willed his robot ranch to Clayville Community College. Kevin Martin, head of the Department of Natural and Applied Sciences at the college said, "I never dreamed we would have a robotics lab at Clayville. I am very excited for the students and for Clayville. It appears that Yarmen laid some very important groundwork, and we will build upon it. That is a promise."

ARBOR DAY

Arbor Day Celebration cut short when students at Stafford Elementary found an underground electrical line.

Assistant Principal Ben Knowles said the power line was new. "We had some cheap labor in here, and they dug up this area to put in security lights. The kids had all these trees to plant, and of course they went for the soft ground. I really thought [the laborers] would have buried the lines a little deeper."

Knowles' quick action is credited with saving at least one boy's life. "The Dobbin kid is hyperactive, but this time he really had something to jump about." Knowles knocked the boy free of the line using a shovel. "Something I learned in Boy Scouts years ago." However, the power line was not live.

Dobbin's parents were a little less understanding, but eventually conceded that the boy probably had a good conk coming. "First we were going to sue, but then we saw how behaved the boy was. We'll call it break even."

Stafford Elementary has 97 of the 100 maple trees available. Anyone interested may pick them up from the basketball court. Mind the wires!

NOTICE

The First Church of the Poor has cancelled its mother-daughter scrapbooking class until further notice. During last week's father-son scrapbooking class a rubber unicorn got stuck to the glue gun and fell into the sparkle bucket.

LAND THAT I LOVE

A DOG'S LIFE

Easement proposed for dog walkers. City councilman Bert Gray pushed for a bill to include an easement for dog walkers. "It is really city property out there by the road. I proposed a dog dumping easement of 15 feet from the street into the yard, but was shot down. I'm trying to get people to develop a sense of community, even if we have to force it on them. They say it takes a village to raise a child, well, the same goes for a dog."

Subprime loans filled once-sedate neighborhoods with raging idiots. Barry Funk watched as his neighborhood took the hit. "They were like ants on a sugar cube when they moved in--playing music, chaining their stupid big dogs to a tree to bark all night long, kids' toys were thrown all over the yard. We asked them to turn down their music and were met with threats."

Who's eating sugar now?
Once the higher interest rates kicked in, many borrowers defaulted.

"It was like somebody came in with a big can of Black Flag and sprayed it right in their stupid ant eyes. I felt like having a party when they moved out."

Man no longer called Dr. Doolittle after he was mauled by a neighbor's dog. Friends no longer call Bob White, Dr. Doolittle. "He used to talk to butterflies, saying, 'Hey, little fella, aren't you a pretty thing,' and stuff like that. He doesn't do much of that anymore," a friend said. "I told him to leave that dog alone."

FOR SALE

DIAPERS
Assorted sizes from x-small to adult grande dame. Must be 20-25 open-box diapers.
$12.25
Reply: FS3881

MOTHER'S MILK
Three quarts of real mother's milk. Good for baby or hobbyist.
$27 per quart.
Reply: FS3881

MATTRESS L@@K
Queen size mattress with very neat stain. Stain is in shape of Abraham Lincoln's bust (without stovepipe hat). Unique. Great for the collector. Hate to part with but moving. Selling cheap. $150
Reply: FS3881

TOILET
Fudge Factory musical toddler toilet. Teach your children to enjoy toilet time with this musical seat! In a pinch can double as adult camp or car toilet. Like new. $30 OBO
Reply: FS3881

PAINTING
Painting of Jesus playing poker with dogs. Great quality. Perfect for den or office. Real nice. $14.99
Reply: FS6471

BOOKS
Box of. Good parts underlined, comments in white spaces, stupid pages ripped out. Time saver. Make offer.
Reply: FS3881

COMING SOON!

Harold Burkhead's online journal.
Purloin Press founder, Harold Burkhead, lets us know what makes him tick, and what makes him explode.
Burkhead, with several other Purloin Press associates, will reveal the secrets of self-publishing. Buckle up, this should be a wild ride!

MEDICAL SNIPPET

Men over 50 not creative with their urine.
Freeboltz & Krust, one of the largest providers of peter care for the United States, has released a report detailing a shocking decline in the amount of things men over 50 do--or do not do--with their urine spray.

As early as 35, most men in the US stop group-peeing on things in the out-of-doors. The study did not follow indoor activity.

While there are anomalies, the occasional snowman, or buddy's foot, most men begin to notice WSS (weak stream syndrome) after age 45, and tend to pee in private--often in a seated position. The study noted: The golden arc just isn't there--it's more like a rain water running down a bent nail.

The F&K report did hold out some hope on the situation. Bladder manipulation devices are just around the corner. Which corner, the report did not detail.

ADVICE from Cromwell

CRYBABY HUBBY
Dear Cromwell:
I don't know where my husband got his ideas of being sensitive from and I don't know why he thinks it is so good. I am sick of him crying and slobbering all over the place all of the time and saying things are sweet and nice. He has been calling me Baby Doll and wearing white turtleneck shirts with these stupid red slacks he picked up someplace. Can you believe it?

If his dad was around to see this he would puke right into our kitchen sink. I feel like puking in that sink. So does my daughter.

Should I divorce this dummy? I didn't sign on for this stuff. I wanna MAN!!!
Sick of Crybaby Hubby

Sick of:
He might not be the man you married, and I believe this is grounds for a divorce. I would mention fraud if this thing goes to court. Put a big black letter L on his head for loser and move on. Nobody needs to live life feeling like they need to puke in the kitchen sink all of the time. Why have you been subjecting your daughter to this? Grow up and get out!
- Cromwell

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LIFESTYLES: One Man Honking

Man waxes philosophical about honking his car horn.
Danny Berterweltz says, "It's like whistling, only most people don't whistle when they get cut off in traffic. I let the bird fly, too." He laughs. "Broke my wrist once when I tried to get it out the window too fast. Boy was I [upset].

"I honk for other things, too. Like a pretty girl. I honk at her to make her jump and jiggle a little.

"Plus, I honk if a [overweight person] is bent over working on their yard. I honk and sometimes yell, 'looking good!'"

It hasn't been a bed of roses for Berterweltz. "It might be a free country, but that don't mean people don't get [upset] when I honk. Right back at ya, buddy."

Berterweltz drives a Ford Explorer, but says he would love to drive a Hummer. "It's my dream machine. If I got one, it'd have musical air horns on it. I'd play that charge song a lot, like they do at the baseball games when things got to get charged up. Maybe get one of them tornado's-a-coming horns, too."

Despite his never-say-die attitude, Berterweltz remains single. "Just haven't found the right one, I guess. I had a Hummer, then they'd come crawling out of the ditch for me. Twist that air raid siren, hit 'em with the spotlights. Dang. They wouldn't know what's what."