Hard Candy

Clayville Families 4 Fun Association will not host its annual Spring Swing Festival this year.

Barry Manning, who sits on the board of Families 4 Fun, said last year's Swing ended badly. "It was a mess," Manning said. "I wish they'd been only baby teeth, but some of those children were older."

The event usually attracts a friendly, sober crowd of respected community members and their children. "That man was not a known member of this community," Manning continued. "He was simply a passerby who was drawn in by the music, clowns, and face painting. He got caught up in the excitement and was embarrassed when he couldn't hit the piñata."

Larry Blade, a paint mixer at Jimbo's Southside Auto Repair, was charged with assault, but later released. "They had it coming," he said. "Now they know how the world works."


Clayville Comments...

All in the Jeans

Paint fumes, alcohol and 80s music did that to Larry. Or his tight jeans could be cutting off circulation. I see him cruising by the high school in his red Camaro, hoping to meet a clueless high school girl.

Why can't he listen to Barry Manilow? That's Barry Manning's favorite, judging by what he checks out of the library music section.

Berri Saintsing
Clayville Library Help Desk #2

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Tight pants, alcohol, paint fumes and 80s music may have had something to do with poor Larry's rapid descent from automobile artiste to general ne'erdowell. But I have a sneaking suspicion that there's more to it than that, just because there usually is. Plain folks can have many layers to their complications. Perhaps a tragic childhood pin the tail on the donkey incident triggered a long buried inner demon. The only way to know for sure would be to walk a mile or so in Larry's shoes. But sadly no one probably will. They won't feel right. You might get blisters. And one step too many could mess up your posture real bad for a long time.

John Kutz

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I wouldn't walk a mile in Larry's shoes. That might lead to wearing his underwear and jeans, now on sale at Bindy & Bundy's "Used But Not Abused" Consignment Shop.

Boron Olson
Dynamic Cleanup Consultant, Bindy & Bundy's

Another Man's Junk

Got junk in your trunk that's keeping you in a funk?

Mike Manning, a recent Clayville Community Tech graduate, may have help for you.

"I had the super-good luck to take a trip outside of Clayville last week and got connected--that's what they call it--to the mega freeway, or something like that. Then I got the idea. This is what Clayville needs to catch up and clean out. It's like an electronic garage sale. What could possibly be bad about that?"

Ignoring trademark and copyright infringement, ClayBay is scheduled to "go live" early this month. Unlike other online auction houses, ClayBay does not charge a listing fee or take a percentage of the selling price. How do they pay the light bill? "I work in my grandma's basement," Manning said. "I got a helper to fetch my pops and empty my jar when things get really busy."

Manning suggested that this year, when the Trash Train rolls down the tracks, it just might be traveling a little bit lighter.

For more on the Trash Train, see: http://forgednews.blogspot.com/2007/07/trash-train-keeps-on-rollin.html


Clayville Comments...

Does Not Compute

Clayville Community College is a joke. Their Computer Science program is as follows: Day 1: clean crud off mouse balls; Day 2: clean crud off your balls; Day 3: graduation day!

ClayBay will NOT work. Mike Manning should have the word RETARD stamped in red ink on his school ID and permanently tattooed on his forehead.

Terry Terrel, D.C.S.

P.S. I will be hacking your computer, you idiot!


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Eat Your Young

Hello, Mike. I make edible baby dolls out of dried fruit, potato chips, and peanuts. I would like to sell my baby dolls on ClayBay. Thank you for making this service available to us!

Granny Gert (the fruit doll lady)

P.S. I also make peanut-free dolls for those with nut allergies. Just use code: P-free when ordering. Thanks!

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You're In!

Granny Gert:
Do you do custom orders? I need a P-Free squirrel monkey doll dressed as a cowboy. Instead of a horse, can you make him riding a big turtle? Ideally, the monkey and turtle would be two pieces. Maybe you could leave a hole in the seat of the monkey's pants and keep a post sticking out of the turtle's back. I'll leave that part up to you. YOU ARE *THE* DESIGNER LOL.

I'll check back for your reply.

Gary Fredericks
East Clayville

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Brain Food

Granny Gert:
I need edible dolls for a food fight that would feed a group of 40 hungry singles. Will the dolls fall apart upon impact? Can you put the dressing and sauce on the side please? I don't want a huge mess.

Trini - owner of Trini's Love Shack
"Get Your Groove On"

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Dirt Sandwich or Mud Pie?

I read your article about Claybay and I've been working on my own online exchange and thought we might get together & combine our ideas. I've been trying to bring together people who are giving away Free Fill Dirt with people who are looking for Free Fill Dirt. I'd like to set up a web 2.0 online b2b exchange that would generate revenue by taking a small percentage of every transaction.

What do you think? Start-up costs would be no more than $2 million.

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Sorry, forgot to leave my name. How else will you get back to me on my offer? It's Tim.

Forged News: Slippery Buckets

The battle continues at Forged News. After Glen Fouts agreed to allow free access to bathroom facilities, signaling an end to the writers' strike, he had the water supply to the building shut off.

Employees, fearing retribution, spoke on condition of anonymity. "Teddy Frisk from accounting formed a bucket brigade late in the afternoon. It is definitely not the solution to this war, but it has turned the momentum of the battle...except for one accident, but that Ketchner kid is missing a thumb and the women kept yelling at him not to look in the bucket."

The staff lasted for about half a day, then they said the situation got very foul. "It was like a horror movie where the cloud of poisonous gas envelops the city. I've got my résumé out, but no one wants to touch it."

Clayville Comments...

That son-o-beech better treat his pepul right or he'll be knee deep in sheet when I break the septic system over at his house.

My wife types ebery day for Fouts but she shud go back to work at the massage parler on Doobelly Street. It schmells better too.

STRIKE IS OVER!

As a few readers know, in late October 2007 Forged News writers walked away from contract negotiations with FOS Media Group.

Senior Forged News Editor Karen Gelp was instrumental in organizing the strike. "Two words," Gelp said. "Free toilets. Is that really so much to ask for? Glen Fouts came in here, locked the stalls and turned our lavatory into his cash cow. Well, this cow stopped producing in October."

FOS Media Mogul Glenn Fouts told the writers to take a vacation. "See how long they complain about pay commodes once the money dries up. No money to buy food, you don't eat, you don't even need a toilet. Problem solved. Bunch a babies."

Gelp sees the outcome as positive. "I'm not saying it is a total win, but it is an improvement. The only 'number two' I want my writers to worry about is stamped on a Ticonderoga pencil."

Fire Back

Fire in the Hole

Anonymous said...

Glenn Fouts used to rate two turds in my book. Now he gets three stinky ones for being such an a-hole. Three giant ones that circle the bowl and won't go down.

Doesn't he know that great writers do their best thinking on the can? I bet he knows that and was just trying to profit from their weakness.

NAME WITHHELD

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Doody Debacle
Anonymous said...

The gossip around Clayville is that during the strike, the writers had a party. As the liquor poured, so did the sarcasm over Fouts' toilet debacle. Some wicked fiction came out of all the haze, and someone scribbled it down in-between whiskey shots.

For now, the manuscript is locked up, but one of the writers will send it anonymously to The National Enquirer if Fouts ticks them off again. TNE will publish without checking the source or the facts. Just like Fouts.


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What He Said

don't want 2b hard on glen but he sat on a pet hamstir of myne that he siad he would buy -n- he never cum up with the $$ what dope wood work 4 him? Get ur own pot -n- stay it home like me.

Diggins J.

Ode to Summer

Bill Bangs took advantage of the Indian Summer at CLR Sewage Treatment Facility.
"Just get in here and feel the water. Warm as embryonic fluid and salty as a tear drop. Don't get in there too far though, it's soft toward the middle. Found that out the hard way."

Bangs has been regional manager at CLR for sixteen years, and though he maintains that the water is fine, no one joined him. "Sure, they'll come up for harvest. Everyone comes up for harvest, but this is time to really suck in what the good Lord brought us."

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Clayville Comments...
Why does Bangs love water, sun and fertilizer so much? Because he's turning into a tomato plant. Just like everyone who picks the "Second Harvest" at CLR Sewage.

Exposure to sewage creates super-immunity to germs and can transform human DNA in unpredictable ways. Anyone who watches science fiction movies knows THAT.

Pat Clapp
Popcorn Manager, Clayville Movie Theatre

Speedo Testing Falls Short

Two subjects, engaged in extreme testing of Speedo diving conditions, discovered that Speedos manufactured in China with inferior thread, tend to loosen upon stress under "irregular environmental conditions."

"Testicular availability of certain males is not always predictable," said Speedo spokesman Marc Sacks. Further voluntary testing on selected Clayville Elementary School subjects has been scheduled. To sign up call 1-800-555-SACK.

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Clayville Comments...

As a member of the Clayville community, my heart swelled to read the report on garment testing. When I was but a lad working with my father in the Clayville garment district, things were not as they are today. Unmentionables were never mentioned, until they slipped out. How many people today know the name Gary Flex? Or Mike Ripper? These men were innovators. Sure, the charcoal underwear pads didn’t take off. Why? Flex and Ripper were blacklisted by the garment industry.

It wasn’t until the annual “My Ass Passes Greenhouse Gasses” awards that these two were recognized. We, as garment makers, stand upon the shoulders of giants like Flex and Ripper. Let’s make sure we’re wearing well-tested, snug undergarments when we do so.

Peppy Rockwell
Top Level Sinchmaster
Garment Makers of Clayville, Local 487

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Anonymous said...

Nothing seems to pump me up. Tried eating more beans. Driving a fast Corvette. Nothing works. Might as well moonlight testing activewear. Text me 8pm - midnight EST at 804-PEA-NUTS.

NAME WITHHELD

Business: Crankshaw Erect, up and at 'em

Wendy Crankshaw's crack design team at Crankshaw Erect didn't see it coming. "Primarily, we do three-season additions, knock out a wall here or there," Crankshaw said. "When Bruce and Lisa Mooney telephoned, it really took a while for them to tell me just what they wanted."

What the Mooney team wanted, as it turned out, was a medieval design. "I'm not a history buff," Wendy Crankshaw said, "and I really felt like I was reaching. They didn't have much money for the project so we enlisted friends of theirs from upstate who have a similar room.

"There were a few odd experiences, like the time I went over at dusk to inspect the dig. I heard moaning like a cat caught in a foundation hole, but then a voice called out. I don't know what a 'safe word' is, but Bruce and Lisa were in a fierce argument over who forgot it. I built a small kitchen for a church last year. That's more my thing."

CLAYVILLE COMMENTS...

Potato Man Jousts

When Bruce and Lisa's pair-skating career went on the skids, they got depressed. All those glittery, stretchy costumes and nowhere to go. Then they discovered the medieval knight/princess thing and started sewing gothic costumes. What's next, lessons in chivalry in the castle addition Wendy's building for them?

Personally, I doubt the marriage will last. Bruce likes dressing up and has perfect hair. AND he wears expensive cologne. AHHHHHHEM.

- just an ordinary Clayville meat & potato man